As the busyness comes to a boil and we are finishing up our preparations for Christmas, likely we are doing so with a heaviness in our hearts...a silent sorrow for the burdens we are carrying in our lives. The unfulfilled or shattered dreams; the pain of our husband's choices - possibly his rejection of us; an unsure future; a long road ahead of us; desiring to provide the best for our children but feeling limited in our ability to do so; wanting to protect them from the evil we know is out there but knowing that we cannot completely protect them - instead realilizng that preparing them for their life is the best we can do - and try to find joy along the way.
My heart is turning to Mary and pondering on what she must have experienced. This woman lived a virtuous life, desiring to live according to God's teachings. I'm sure she had dreams of what her life would be like...who would she marry, how would he propose, what would her children be like? The dreams of most young women.
And then the angel came...
How did that message he brought change her life? Did she struggle to let go of her plans, her dreams? Did she fear the road she had to walk?
At what point did she surrender her will and say to her Father in Heaven, " I can't do this. This is too much! I need Thy help!", recognizing that she HAD to rely on God and TRUST Him?
How did she feel when Joseph initially chose to not marry her? Did she question her worth? Did she wrestle with feeling rejected and alone...not good enough for Joseph?
Now I am not trying to imply that Joseph's choice is AT ALL the same as our husbands who wrestle with addiction. Instead I am looking at Mary's possible feelings about it. Feeling rejected and abandoned is what it is. It doesn't mean that is what Joseph actually intended to do, but if she FELT that way, even though she was pure and righteous....how did she deal with that? How many tears were shed asking God to comfort her heart? I believe the only way she would have made it through that was by recognizing, believing in, and trusting God's love for her.
And what about the reaction of others? Did people believe her? How many people shunned her because they just didn't understand? How was she shamed? She didn't ask for this in her life, and she didn't do anything wrong. Yet there she was, unwed and pregnant. Did she feel her life had become unmanageable? Were her character weaknesses brought out in the open by others pointing fingers (or by her own mind telling herself that she was not good enough for the calling she had been given)? Did people who DID believe that the Child was to be the Son of God doubt her and question "why her? How could God choose her?" Or did she receive support all around her from people who truly knew her, giving her strength and encouragement that she COULD do this, that she was strong and worthy and capable of doing hard things? Did she have a strong support circle?
And then when it came time for the trip to Bethlehem...was she frantically busy trying to get last minute preparations done, exhausted at the end of her pregnancy? How long did she labour? How did she feel having to face this birth without her mother? Without the rest of her support circle, other than Joseph? Was he supportive? How hard would that have been for him?
She gave us her dreams. She sacrificed in more ways than we can imagine, but also in many ways we can imagine...in ways we can understand. ..a little bit.
Today, I am grateful for Mary. To me she is the epitome of courage, strength and surrendering to God. I admire her greatly.
As we hurry around with our last minute preparations for Christmas, may we take a moment to remember the woman who prepared to bring forth our greatest gift...our Savior.
God bless Mary and all strong and courageous women (ok, and men too 😉) who are striving to live their best life according to God's will and purposes...women who CAN do hard things!
Tuesday 24 December 2013
Saturday 21 December 2013
Smashed and burned
So I was given a very nice gift today. The bishop's wife and daughters took my load of kids to their place to bake cookies and allow me a couple of hours to finish up shopping. I made sure this week that I was done my shopping before today so that I could have that time to myself. And what did I do, you ask?
I smashed and burned.
I made a quick trip to the second hand store and carefully selected some items for this adventure. So many times I have wanted to smash and burn things because my anger has been so deep and raw. But I have not had the time to myself or had anything to use. There is one catch with today....
I wasn't feeling angry. Go figure. My husband even asked me what my plans were and I told him. We had a bit of a laugh together at how silly this seemed since I was actually feeling kind of light-hearted and un-angry. But I did the exercise anyway. I also took pictures.
An empty red container (to minimize the mess) with a rock. This symbolizes rock bottom and the heavy rock I feel in the pit of my stomach.
The rim of this plate symbolizes the lies that just went around and around, seemingly never-ending...which left me feeling like my life and mind was constantly going in circles.
Oh the contradiction and symbolism of this next one! Life can be sweet, but when he chooses to indulge in his addiction...well...
IT'S NUTS!
He chose (chooses?) his indulgences and desires over our family and marriage so many times. And we have been damaged by it. But even when the shell of our life gets cracked, if we get down to the nut (root), that is the good part anyway. (This cup took six throws to actually smash the "indulge" part...how many attempts will it take for my husband to smash his addiction?)
And next comes the forbidden fruit and the thorns of addiction. What could be so sweet and delicious brings sorrow and pain. It looks so appealing but if you are not careful, it will tangle you in its thorns. Who hasn't reached for that big berry deep in the bushes that you just KNOW how good it will taste, and end up getting scratched and tangled and bleeding trying to get there (or get out)? Also, a reminder that we must know the bitter to be able to understand and appreciate the sweet.
This next one symbolizes how empty and alone I have felt. How I have been abandoned by him in some of my darkest times, to face death and sorrow alone because he was not capable of extending support and empathy.
But it also symbolizes the ability to become clean - him and me. We can heal. I can heal. My heart can become clean and pure, letting go of this darkness and anger that resides there.
The shattered pieces. Even my rock broke.
And then I burned...
So although this didn't release the anger that I was thinking it would (doing this while already angry would have been much more effective!), it did help me release some and I learned. I yelled, I cried a bit, and I listened. Things don't always go as planned, and I still had a mess to clean up afterwards. But I am ok. That is what I have learned...I will be ok. I have the ability to clean up messes. I cannot prevent them from happening, and I cannot control when they happen or how big they are. But I have the ability to clean up, find something to smile about (my kids all had a blast baking cookies and were well behaved and happy while I smashed and burned), move forward with my life, and then I can share my experiences with others...finding support, understanding, and possibly even sharing laughs about how smashing dishes doesn't even go as planned sometimes!
And at least I didn't set anything else on fire! ;o) Now to eat some of my kids cookies!
Thursday 19 December 2013
Anniversaries
December holds a lot of anniversaries for me. All of which are extremely painful.
The end of my mom's life.
A hugely destructive fire deliberately set by an unknown arsonist.
Major heart surgery for one of my children.
A miscarriage, followed a month later by massive D-day #1 (which means I faced the miscarriage alone because my husband was so deep in the dark and drowning in lies he had no idea how to support me).
Learning from D-day #1 that December was a big month for my husband in his addiction...some of the more painful things he did were in December.
Traumatic surgery (and horrible hospital experience) after the birth of my last baby.
Discovering with major D-day #2 (this past January) that another big (read: escalated and more painful) event with his addiction occurred just a week after my surgery (as I was recovering in bed)...last December.
These are some of the more prominent ones that are floating around in my head and heart everyday. I have been struggling to get into the Christmas Spirit, to feel the peace of the season, the excitement with my children, the joy of celebrating with family. My heart feels heavy and I feel like I have had a little black cloud over my head this entire month. There are reminders all around me of the pain of Decembers past.
But with those memories comes the whispered reminders, "look how far you have come! Look at what you have faced and are still standing and moving forward!" I could have crumbled (permanently). I could have chosen so many other responses instead of taking a deep breath and pushing on toward healing. Looking back, it is clear that I was given strength beyond my own capacity.
I was buoyed up by unseen angels. I know this.
And so although December brings anniversaries of deeply painful experiences, it is also the anniversary of strength; of a time of the ministering of angels in my life. There is no earthly explanation as to how I was able to still function some years.
The explanation comes in the anniversary that most of the world celebrates each December...the birth of Christ. His birth was the beginning of the path that allowed (and continues to allow) me to move forward each day. His birth brings promise of hope, renewal, courage to face difficult roads ahead because it lead to His journey of overcoming ALL. It brings love. His birth brings the ministering of angels.
It was the start of the journey of all of our hope. It provides me with the hope that I can be reunited with my mom (and other loved ones); that when all seems lost, all is not lost; that all can be overcome (including addiction and betrayal trauma) through Him; that healing can occur even when a full restoration cannot be achieved in this life; that when I feel completely alone, I can be surrounded by angels who will lift and love me.
We must know the bitter to fully appreciate and understand the sweet.
Celebrating His birth is the sweet in my December of anniversaries.
The end of my mom's life.
A hugely destructive fire deliberately set by an unknown arsonist.
Major heart surgery for one of my children.
A miscarriage, followed a month later by massive D-day #1 (which means I faced the miscarriage alone because my husband was so deep in the dark and drowning in lies he had no idea how to support me).
Learning from D-day #1 that December was a big month for my husband in his addiction...some of the more painful things he did were in December.
Traumatic surgery (and horrible hospital experience) after the birth of my last baby.
Discovering with major D-day #2 (this past January) that another big (read: escalated and more painful) event with his addiction occurred just a week after my surgery (as I was recovering in bed)...last December.
These are some of the more prominent ones that are floating around in my head and heart everyday. I have been struggling to get into the Christmas Spirit, to feel the peace of the season, the excitement with my children, the joy of celebrating with family. My heart feels heavy and I feel like I have had a little black cloud over my head this entire month. There are reminders all around me of the pain of Decembers past.
But with those memories comes the whispered reminders, "look how far you have come! Look at what you have faced and are still standing and moving forward!" I could have crumbled (permanently). I could have chosen so many other responses instead of taking a deep breath and pushing on toward healing. Looking back, it is clear that I was given strength beyond my own capacity.
I was buoyed up by unseen angels. I know this.
And so although December brings anniversaries of deeply painful experiences, it is also the anniversary of strength; of a time of the ministering of angels in my life. There is no earthly explanation as to how I was able to still function some years.
The explanation comes in the anniversary that most of the world celebrates each December...the birth of Christ. His birth was the beginning of the path that allowed (and continues to allow) me to move forward each day. His birth brings promise of hope, renewal, courage to face difficult roads ahead because it lead to His journey of overcoming ALL. It brings love. His birth brings the ministering of angels.
It was the start of the journey of all of our hope. It provides me with the hope that I can be reunited with my mom (and other loved ones); that when all seems lost, all is not lost; that all can be overcome (including addiction and betrayal trauma) through Him; that healing can occur even when a full restoration cannot be achieved in this life; that when I feel completely alone, I can be surrounded by angels who will lift and love me.
We must know the bitter to fully appreciate and understand the sweet.
Celebrating His birth is the sweet in my December of anniversaries.
Saturday 14 December 2013
Rounding up with Christ
Recently one of my kids was learning rounding at school. She really struggled with the concept for some reason. She asked for help at school and home. My husband and I each tried to explain it to her in various ways but it just wasn't sinking in for her. Sometimes she would think she understood and then a new problem would send her right back to confusion. A few tears were shed as well as many roars of frustration.
I too have been struggling to figure out an equation. I have been trying to understand what the recovery literature and others have been saying:
A + B does not = C
Meaning: my husband's addiction and betrayal does not mean there is something wrong with me. (ie., my fault...not good enough, pretty enough, etc...). This has been a very hard concept for me to understand. Sometimes I think I get it, but then a new problem (or trigger) will come up that will send me right back into confusion and self doubt.
Here's a problem:
A + B COULD = C. It just depends on the variables. It is possible that my husband could choose the way he does because I am not a good wife or not good enough for him. Reverse the tables and I could choose to leave my marriage if I feel my husband is not doing enough to fight this addiction.
A + B = C (addiction + betrayal = casualties, CrazyTown, crying, corruption, etc.)
I suppose we need to look closer at the variables. What makes a good wife and a desirable wife? Looks? Skills in the bedroom? Skills in the kitchen? What about loyalty, ulnerability, dedication to the marriage, family and God? What about other talents or skills? Personality?
If I have traits that qualify as a good wife, that enhance my husband's life and help him come closer to God, in my opinion, that makes me a good wife. Perfect? Not at all. But when looking at the variables, my good traits out weigh my weaknesses. And not just as a wife, but as a person...me, just on my own. I have to acknowledge that God has blessed me with talents and traits that are honorable and virtuous and valuable. So I am good. I am valuable. I have much to offer. It is possible that it isn't what my husband wants or chooses, but that doesn't change my value. My variables demonstrate I AM good.
Jesus Christ was PERFECT. Without fault, encompassing all that is good. Yet He was/is rejected and betrayed by those who were closest to Him and what He has to offer is not desirable by many. But that does not mean there is something wrong with HIM or what He has to offer. Just because someone (or many) turn their back on Him or choose something other than what He has to offer does not diminish the value of Him or His offerings.
Now, to be very clear...I am not perfect and the good that I do have to offer is not perfect quality either (not to mention the character flaws I have...step 6). But that is where rounding comes in. My best efforts, rounded up with the Atonement of Christ, will allow me to become a Celestial being.
A (the Atomement) + B (my Best efforts) = Celestial Me.
Nowhere in that equation is ANYTHING to do with whether my husband sees value in me or if his choices can change the results and value of me. My worth is connected to Christ. Period. Does it hurt if my husband doesn't choose me? Absolutely. Deeply. The Savior was known to weep and feel pain because of the choices of those He loves (which is all of us). He hurt deeper than I do. But that doesn't change the value!
Truly, when you take Christ out of the equation, you will never get the results you want! Rounding up WITH Christ is always the best deal!
I too have been struggling to figure out an equation. I have been trying to understand what the recovery literature and others have been saying:
A + B does not = C
Meaning: my husband's addiction and betrayal does not mean there is something wrong with me. (ie., my fault...not good enough, pretty enough, etc...). This has been a very hard concept for me to understand. Sometimes I think I get it, but then a new problem (or trigger) will come up that will send me right back into confusion and self doubt.
Here's a problem:
A + B COULD = C. It just depends on the variables. It is possible that my husband could choose the way he does because I am not a good wife or not good enough for him. Reverse the tables and I could choose to leave my marriage if I feel my husband is not doing enough to fight this addiction.
A + B = C (addiction + betrayal = casualties, CrazyTown, crying, corruption, etc.)
I suppose we need to look closer at the variables. What makes a good wife and a desirable wife? Looks? Skills in the bedroom? Skills in the kitchen? What about loyalty, ulnerability, dedication to the marriage, family and God? What about other talents or skills? Personality?
If I have traits that qualify as a good wife, that enhance my husband's life and help him come closer to God, in my opinion, that makes me a good wife. Perfect? Not at all. But when looking at the variables, my good traits out weigh my weaknesses. And not just as a wife, but as a person...me, just on my own. I have to acknowledge that God has blessed me with talents and traits that are honorable and virtuous and valuable. So I am good. I am valuable. I have much to offer. It is possible that it isn't what my husband wants or chooses, but that doesn't change my value. My variables demonstrate I AM good.
Jesus Christ was PERFECT. Without fault, encompassing all that is good. Yet He was/is rejected and betrayed by those who were closest to Him and what He has to offer is not desirable by many. But that does not mean there is something wrong with HIM or what He has to offer. Just because someone (or many) turn their back on Him or choose something other than what He has to offer does not diminish the value of Him or His offerings.
Now, to be very clear...I am not perfect and the good that I do have to offer is not perfect quality either (not to mention the character flaws I have...step 6). But that is where rounding comes in. My best efforts, rounded up with the Atonement of Christ, will allow me to become a Celestial being.
A (the Atomement) + B (my Best efforts) = Celestial Me.
Nowhere in that equation is ANYTHING to do with whether my husband sees value in me or if his choices can change the results and value of me. My worth is connected to Christ. Period. Does it hurt if my husband doesn't choose me? Absolutely. Deeply. The Savior was known to weep and feel pain because of the choices of those He loves (which is all of us). He hurt deeper than I do. But that doesn't change the value!
Truly, when you take Christ out of the equation, you will never get the results you want! Rounding up WITH Christ is always the best deal!
Wednesday 27 November 2013
Lonely in the majority
Recently I read a great blog post about how the majority of men are involved in regular pornography usage, which means that, for those who are married, there is a majority of wives who are facing this. I too am one in the majority. But my corner in this majority is a really lonely place.
I personally know only one other woman in my entire stake who is also in this majority. I know there are others out there. I read the blogs, I am on a fantastic forum of women fighting this battle everyday. But in my corner of the world, where there are people you can reach out to and phone and hug...there is me, and one other. I am deeply grateful that I know her. Yet because it is just the two of us, it still feels kind of lonely, like we are in this bubble looking out at everyone else who are living normal lives...or who are blissfully ignorant of the problems that are going on. I was there at one point. So was she. Sometimes I wish I could be back there again.
There comes a point each day where my heart cries. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes only me and God know. But everyday it is there. I look at the other women at church and wonder if they are part of this secret majority, and wonder if we would become friends if we knew we shared this life. The ward (congregation) I am a part of has a reputation of being very cliquey and exclusive. Adding the stigma and shame of this addiction, which none of them know we are battling, makes it even more isolating. I KNOW we are not the only ones. I don't know who else it is that is a part of this 70%, but I know they are out there. I wonder if THEY know. My guess is that there may be a small number who do know, who are silently living with heartache and tears, putting on the public happy face, thinking that they are alone. But I also believe that there are many others who are going to have their worlds crash down around them sometime in the future. It is my hope that I can work on my recovery so that I can be in a position to offer them support and strength, and be someone they can turn to. Because I know how much it hurts to feel alone.
My loneliness also runs through my marriage. Finding the balance of detachment and boundaries with connection and love is a challenge. I worry about how my reactions will impact my husband and I don't know what is the healthiest way in various situations. My pain runs so deep and he is not able to heal that for me, and is not a safe place yet to rely on. Living this way feels so lonely.
I want to reach out, seek comfort and support, be understood and validated, GIVE support and validation. Connect. So many factors seem to make this so hard to attain, even when the majority of people around me are facing the same pain.
And then I receive the sweet whisperings of the Spirit reminding me where I can turn...
"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
"Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? HE, only One.
"He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end."
- "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" - lds hymn book p129
In the depths of loneliness, surrounded by others, the answers always seem to point back to HIM.
I personally know only one other woman in my entire stake who is also in this majority. I know there are others out there. I read the blogs, I am on a fantastic forum of women fighting this battle everyday. But in my corner of the world, where there are people you can reach out to and phone and hug...there is me, and one other. I am deeply grateful that I know her. Yet because it is just the two of us, it still feels kind of lonely, like we are in this bubble looking out at everyone else who are living normal lives...or who are blissfully ignorant of the problems that are going on. I was there at one point. So was she. Sometimes I wish I could be back there again.
There comes a point each day where my heart cries. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes only me and God know. But everyday it is there. I look at the other women at church and wonder if they are part of this secret majority, and wonder if we would become friends if we knew we shared this life. The ward (congregation) I am a part of has a reputation of being very cliquey and exclusive. Adding the stigma and shame of this addiction, which none of them know we are battling, makes it even more isolating. I KNOW we are not the only ones. I don't know who else it is that is a part of this 70%, but I know they are out there. I wonder if THEY know. My guess is that there may be a small number who do know, who are silently living with heartache and tears, putting on the public happy face, thinking that they are alone. But I also believe that there are many others who are going to have their worlds crash down around them sometime in the future. It is my hope that I can work on my recovery so that I can be in a position to offer them support and strength, and be someone they can turn to. Because I know how much it hurts to feel alone.
My loneliness also runs through my marriage. Finding the balance of detachment and boundaries with connection and love is a challenge. I worry about how my reactions will impact my husband and I don't know what is the healthiest way in various situations. My pain runs so deep and he is not able to heal that for me, and is not a safe place yet to rely on. Living this way feels so lonely.
I want to reach out, seek comfort and support, be understood and validated, GIVE support and validation. Connect. So many factors seem to make this so hard to attain, even when the majority of people around me are facing the same pain.
And then I receive the sweet whisperings of the Spirit reminding me where I can turn...
"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
"Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? HE, only One.
"He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end."
- "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" - lds hymn book p129
In the depths of loneliness, surrounded by others, the answers always seem to point back to HIM.
Thursday 14 November 2013
The secret life of a porn addict's wife
I used to be quite social. I had lots of friends, would chat with or visit people throughout the week, I looked forward to meeting new people and loved making new friends. I wasn't shy to strike up a conversation with someone I didn't know. I had a bubble around me but it felt more like "how many people can I fit inside my bubble?" instead of a bubble to keep people out. Even as a child, if my usual friends weren't available I would open up the phone book and start calling anyone that I knew that I might enjoy spending time with. Sure, I enjoyed time to myself. But I also loved being around others. It filled me up and gave me energy.
Today my world is very different.
To others I may come across as a loner, a stuck up snob, a person who severely lacks in conversation skills, cold, rude, uninviting, antisocial, unapproachable and just unfeeling.
Here's the truth. I am living a secret life. That secret life makes it look like I am all of those things, but that is not me. Really, it isn't. Here's the secret...my husband is a porn and sex addict and, as a result, I've got some major trauma I face every day.
For me, leaving the house when I know I will have to be around other people causes HUGE anxiety. I have to put on full body armor just to feel like I can make it without falling apart around others. Body armor is hard and cold. But it is meant to protect the tender and warm person inside. Right now, I do not know who is safe, and so I feel the need to protect myself from everyone. I want to enjoy the freedom of friendship, but I am so scared to be hurt or to let out my secret.
I see the other moms at the school picking up their kids. They stand in small groups laughing and talking away. Everyday, I stand by myself waiting at my child's classroom door. Occasionally someone will come up and make a comment to me about my baby or one of my kids. But that is it. No one really knows me or anything about me, other than the fact that I always have a ton of kids with me (some mine, some daycare). I am sure it seems I don't want to talk to anyone. But the truth is, I don't know what to say. Right now my life is consumed with taking care of children and trying to heal from betrayal trauma due to my husband's addiction. So even a simple question such as, "so what do you do in your spare time?" is dangerous territory because what I do when I have spare time is work on my 12 step recovery program. I can't say that. My kids are not in any extra curricular activities and so that is not a venue of conversation. There really isn't much else to my life right now. I am not trying to be a snob.
I have at times tried to just turn conversations around to talk about other people. But I realized, that is what my husband has been doing his whole life. A friend of ours recently said to me, "I've known him (husband) for 20 years and I just realized I know very little about him. He is always a great friend to me, willing to listen, be supportive, etc. But he has always turned conversations around to be about me and hasn't let me get to really know him." I just said, "oh. hmmm. Isn't that interesting." She doesn't know my secret either, and she is one of my dearest friends. So as a result of my husband's addiction that stems from his fear of letting people get close to him, I am adopting his same behavior of keeping people out. Sometimes I would rather just avoid conversation than follow in that pattern.
I also have huge anxiety about leaving my house because I know the world is oozing with triggers. There are half naked women everywhere, jokes about sex and pornography and affairs (is that really funny people??), conversations about what people are keeping from their spouses or about how wonderfully perfect their spouse is. There are comments that come out of nowhere about how perfect my life and family seems, that really are laced with barb wires. Or if they are sincere, are based on a false perception. How do I respond when someone says, "oh you have such a wonderful family! You are so blessed and must be so happy!"? It's the same sort of thing when I was in the thick of postpartum depression for the first time...people would come up to me and say "don't you just LOVE being a mother?? Isn't it the best thing EVER??!!" To me, at that time, it was pure misery, sprinkled with the occasional smile. Hearing people talk about how glorious and wonderful marriage is makes me want to scream. So, on goes my armor so that I DON'T scream.
I screamed on facebook the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. There was an article that about 10 of my friends had shared saying how this is the ultimate truth to marriage and how we should be in our marriages. "Only think of your spouse. Love them more. Try harder to make them happy. Their happiness is your number one priority". I ended up in a heated discussion on my wall for 2 days about this because I tried to share that it isn't always healthy to do that (without screaming..."when your husband is an addict, that is the OPPOSITE of what you should do!"). I had people throwing scriptures and talks from church leaders at me, telling me I was selfish and not following God's teachings, how marriage is beautiful, etc. When stuff like that happens, my armor becomes reinforced and glued to me.
I also recently read that when we try and numb feelings, we cannot pick and choose which to numb. Its an all or nothing approach. And so in order to not break down in tears as I stand at the school, or sit in church, or anywhere else I may come across others or triggers, I choose to temporarily numb. And that may seem to others that I am unfeeling, but the truth is, my feelings are so deep and powerful. I am living the opposite of unfeeling.
Now I will admit that if a woman passes by me that looks like half of her wardrobe belongs to her young daughter, there may be some truth to my being angry, cold and antisocial. Right now, because of my trauma, women like that are walking pain to me and I want as little interaction with them as possible.
If you have ever seen the Twilight saga, one of the characters, Jane, has a special power. She can cause even the strongest to writhe in pain on the ground with just her mind. It is only perceived pain. She actually does nothing to them. But they feel it, vividly.
This is how I feel when certain women are around me, and especially if I am with my husband. It is as though they walk past and say "pain", and if I didn't have some sort of armor on, I would be on the ground in agony. Instead, I stand in agony but come across as stone cold. I am sure that most of these women would be fantastic friends and that in another life, when I wasn't brought to my knees by the pain of my husband lusting after other women, we could have some great times together. But today, you are my Jane.
So to those of you who notice me standing alone at the school, or sitting alone in the back corner at church, or not phoning anyone up to get together...please know that it isn't that I have become a cold, antisocial snob who has turned her back on everyone. It is because I am living a secret life as a porn addict's wife, and I haven't figured out how I fit in the world with this new part of my life. Eventually my bubble will grow to include others again. If you are still around when that time comes, I look forward to some great times together!
Today my world is very different.
To others I may come across as a loner, a stuck up snob, a person who severely lacks in conversation skills, cold, rude, uninviting, antisocial, unapproachable and just unfeeling.
Here's the truth. I am living a secret life. That secret life makes it look like I am all of those things, but that is not me. Really, it isn't. Here's the secret...my husband is a porn and sex addict and, as a result, I've got some major trauma I face every day.
For me, leaving the house when I know I will have to be around other people causes HUGE anxiety. I have to put on full body armor just to feel like I can make it without falling apart around others. Body armor is hard and cold. But it is meant to protect the tender and warm person inside. Right now, I do not know who is safe, and so I feel the need to protect myself from everyone. I want to enjoy the freedom of friendship, but I am so scared to be hurt or to let out my secret.
I see the other moms at the school picking up their kids. They stand in small groups laughing and talking away. Everyday, I stand by myself waiting at my child's classroom door. Occasionally someone will come up and make a comment to me about my baby or one of my kids. But that is it. No one really knows me or anything about me, other than the fact that I always have a ton of kids with me (some mine, some daycare). I am sure it seems I don't want to talk to anyone. But the truth is, I don't know what to say. Right now my life is consumed with taking care of children and trying to heal from betrayal trauma due to my husband's addiction. So even a simple question such as, "so what do you do in your spare time?" is dangerous territory because what I do when I have spare time is work on my 12 step recovery program. I can't say that. My kids are not in any extra curricular activities and so that is not a venue of conversation. There really isn't much else to my life right now. I am not trying to be a snob.
I have at times tried to just turn conversations around to talk about other people. But I realized, that is what my husband has been doing his whole life. A friend of ours recently said to me, "I've known him (husband) for 20 years and I just realized I know very little about him. He is always a great friend to me, willing to listen, be supportive, etc. But he has always turned conversations around to be about me and hasn't let me get to really know him." I just said, "oh. hmmm. Isn't that interesting." She doesn't know my secret either, and she is one of my dearest friends. So as a result of my husband's addiction that stems from his fear of letting people get close to him, I am adopting his same behavior of keeping people out. Sometimes I would rather just avoid conversation than follow in that pattern.
I also have huge anxiety about leaving my house because I know the world is oozing with triggers. There are half naked women everywhere, jokes about sex and pornography and affairs (is that really funny people??), conversations about what people are keeping from their spouses or about how wonderfully perfect their spouse is. There are comments that come out of nowhere about how perfect my life and family seems, that really are laced with barb wires. Or if they are sincere, are based on a false perception. How do I respond when someone says, "oh you have such a wonderful family! You are so blessed and must be so happy!"? It's the same sort of thing when I was in the thick of postpartum depression for the first time...people would come up to me and say "don't you just LOVE being a mother?? Isn't it the best thing EVER??!!" To me, at that time, it was pure misery, sprinkled with the occasional smile. Hearing people talk about how glorious and wonderful marriage is makes me want to scream. So, on goes my armor so that I DON'T scream.
I screamed on facebook the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. There was an article that about 10 of my friends had shared saying how this is the ultimate truth to marriage and how we should be in our marriages. "Only think of your spouse. Love them more. Try harder to make them happy. Their happiness is your number one priority". I ended up in a heated discussion on my wall for 2 days about this because I tried to share that it isn't always healthy to do that (without screaming..."when your husband is an addict, that is the OPPOSITE of what you should do!"). I had people throwing scriptures and talks from church leaders at me, telling me I was selfish and not following God's teachings, how marriage is beautiful, etc. When stuff like that happens, my armor becomes reinforced and glued to me.
I also recently read that when we try and numb feelings, we cannot pick and choose which to numb. Its an all or nothing approach. And so in order to not break down in tears as I stand at the school, or sit in church, or anywhere else I may come across others or triggers, I choose to temporarily numb. And that may seem to others that I am unfeeling, but the truth is, my feelings are so deep and powerful. I am living the opposite of unfeeling.
Now I will admit that if a woman passes by me that looks like half of her wardrobe belongs to her young daughter, there may be some truth to my being angry, cold and antisocial. Right now, because of my trauma, women like that are walking pain to me and I want as little interaction with them as possible.
If you have ever seen the Twilight saga, one of the characters, Jane, has a special power. She can cause even the strongest to writhe in pain on the ground with just her mind. It is only perceived pain. She actually does nothing to them. But they feel it, vividly.
This is how I feel when certain women are around me, and especially if I am with my husband. It is as though they walk past and say "pain", and if I didn't have some sort of armor on, I would be on the ground in agony. Instead, I stand in agony but come across as stone cold. I am sure that most of these women would be fantastic friends and that in another life, when I wasn't brought to my knees by the pain of my husband lusting after other women, we could have some great times together. But today, you are my Jane.
So to those of you who notice me standing alone at the school, or sitting alone in the back corner at church, or not phoning anyone up to get together...please know that it isn't that I have become a cold, antisocial snob who has turned her back on everyone. It is because I am living a secret life as a porn addict's wife, and I haven't figured out how I fit in the world with this new part of my life. Eventually my bubble will grow to include others again. If you are still around when that time comes, I look forward to some great times together!
Tuesday 12 November 2013
Shame, Shame, SHAME
Have you ever seen someone being publicly shamed? Someone pointing a finger very close to their face and saying phrases over and over again like, "how could you DO that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done??" Meanwhile, the person being shamed shrinks lower and lower. Sometimes you can physically see them get smaller. Eyes cast downward, shoulders slumped, shallow breathing, hands hanging lifelessly by their side or frantically wringing their hands behind their back. It is a heart wrenching sight.
This is happening to me. Just not publicly.
I recently was working on my Addo Recovery program and one of the assignments was to write my story. I went deeper with this writing than I had ever before. I hadn't even shared all these details with my counsellor. And while it felt good to get my story out, it brought up some deep emotions - namely, shame.
I think back to the first time I found porn in my home. It was a magazine in my husband's bedside table. I found it completely by chance as I was looking for something else face down, under a small crate of tools. My husband is not a reader, so it was very strange to see a magazine in there, but I was going to just ignore it and keep looking for whatever it was I went there for originally. Something on the back cover caught my attention enough to make me pull it out and see what it was. I was stunned. My brain actually began to misfire. If I had pulled out a baby unicorn, my brain would have had the same reaction. "It is not physically possible for me to be holding THIS magazine that I found in HIS bed side table. NOT POSSIBLE."
Yet there it was. In my hands. In my cold and trembling hands.
Then something clicked in my brain and I hid the magazine and went looking for my husband. I asked him about "a magazine" and he seemed clueless. Then I said WHAT magazine and he acted completely dumbfounded, claiming he had no idea where it came from and that it was NOT his. Part of me inside was saying, "of course it isn't his! He isn't like that." But the other part of the brain, that had just started to work again, said "how could it NOT be his?"
He gave me one suggestion of where it may have come from. I didn't believe it. That seemed just as ridiculous. I dropped it for a bit, took the magazine outside and ripped it up and burned it in my driveway. I was shaking and my mind was spinning. A few days later I brought it up again because it just wasn't sitting right with me and I had to know where it came from. Then my husband suggested another possibility. I will not get into it here...but I will say, it was a story line you would find in a movie. I remember just staring at him and asking, "really?" He said, "I don't know. Maybe. I just know it isn't mine." He asked me multiple times to believe him, promising it wasn't his. As I think back to that time, there was almost desperation in his pleading.
So, I decided to believe him. I don't know why. And believing him led me down a road of paranoia. To believe this lie meant we were not safe. And I started jumping at every sound in and out of our house and began looking for a new, "safe" place to live. I later found out the truth, of course.
But this is where I have wrestled. I have stuffed that experience way down and tried not to look at it. Writing my story brought it up and flooded me with shame. "How could you BELIEVE that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done?? You are so stupid! So gullible! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! So much for that intelligence you have liked about yourself all your life...that doesn't exist anymore." With each slam of shame, my breathing would get shallower, shoulders would hunch and I had a hard time looking myself (or my husband) in the eye. Sometimes I felt lifeless. Sometimes I frantically would wring my hands. I have also come to believe that my husband will never take me seriously again because I was so dumb to believe such a flagrant lie. And how do I move forward in my healing and rebuilding of our relationship when I am so fearful of being duped again? I don't want to feel that awful humiliation again.
Shame, shame, SHAME!
So, as with every other emotion that my recovery work brings up, I have the option of shoving it back where it came from or facing it head on and trying to heal it. But how do you heal shame? Do I just rationalize it away? I don't think so.
I did a search online about shame and have learned a few things. I found some wisdom from Brene Brown. I love her! She is one of my new favorite people. I found two great clips here and here and here. This is some of what stood out to me:
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 things to grow exponentially...secrecy, silence and judgement. It will creep into every crevice of your life and shape your life. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it cannot survive. Shame cannot survive being spoken."
"Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I'm alone."
"Shame breeds fear, blame and disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"The less you talk about it, the more you got it."
I also found a clip that talks about "6 types of people who do not deserve to hear your shame story". Do we have people in our lives who we can share our story with and will sit with us in that pain, hold us through that journey? Do I? Is there someone in my life who has earned the right to hear my story? I'm not sure. I want to create a relationship like that.
Courage is telling our story from our heart. The way to get out from under shame is to tell our story.
So right now, by typing this blog post, I am turning the tables on my shame. When that monster (that looks like me, but is really shame) rears its head waving the finger in my face, I will take a breath and douse myself with empathy, understanding and love. I was vulnerable, I got burned. Yes. I may have responded by believing because I was afraid to face the truth or maybe I was inspired to give him a chance (multiple chances) to be honest. Whatever the reason, it is a part of my story and is some of the thread in the tapestry that makes me who I am today. I will look myself in the eye and say, "it's ok that you believed. I know it hurts. I love you."
Bam! Suckerpunch!...shame is KO!
This is happening to me. Just not publicly.
I recently was working on my Addo Recovery program and one of the assignments was to write my story. I went deeper with this writing than I had ever before. I hadn't even shared all these details with my counsellor. And while it felt good to get my story out, it brought up some deep emotions - namely, shame.
I think back to the first time I found porn in my home. It was a magazine in my husband's bedside table. I found it completely by chance as I was looking for something else face down, under a small crate of tools. My husband is not a reader, so it was very strange to see a magazine in there, but I was going to just ignore it and keep looking for whatever it was I went there for originally. Something on the back cover caught my attention enough to make me pull it out and see what it was. I was stunned. My brain actually began to misfire. If I had pulled out a baby unicorn, my brain would have had the same reaction. "It is not physically possible for me to be holding THIS magazine that I found in HIS bed side table. NOT POSSIBLE."
Yet there it was. In my hands. In my cold and trembling hands.
Then something clicked in my brain and I hid the magazine and went looking for my husband. I asked him about "a magazine" and he seemed clueless. Then I said WHAT magazine and he acted completely dumbfounded, claiming he had no idea where it came from and that it was NOT his. Part of me inside was saying, "of course it isn't his! He isn't like that." But the other part of the brain, that had just started to work again, said "how could it NOT be his?"
He gave me one suggestion of where it may have come from. I didn't believe it. That seemed just as ridiculous. I dropped it for a bit, took the magazine outside and ripped it up and burned it in my driveway. I was shaking and my mind was spinning. A few days later I brought it up again because it just wasn't sitting right with me and I had to know where it came from. Then my husband suggested another possibility. I will not get into it here...but I will say, it was a story line you would find in a movie. I remember just staring at him and asking, "really?" He said, "I don't know. Maybe. I just know it isn't mine." He asked me multiple times to believe him, promising it wasn't his. As I think back to that time, there was almost desperation in his pleading.
So, I decided to believe him. I don't know why. And believing him led me down a road of paranoia. To believe this lie meant we were not safe. And I started jumping at every sound in and out of our house and began looking for a new, "safe" place to live. I later found out the truth, of course.
But this is where I have wrestled. I have stuffed that experience way down and tried not to look at it. Writing my story brought it up and flooded me with shame. "How could you BELIEVE that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done?? You are so stupid! So gullible! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! So much for that intelligence you have liked about yourself all your life...that doesn't exist anymore." With each slam of shame, my breathing would get shallower, shoulders would hunch and I had a hard time looking myself (or my husband) in the eye. Sometimes I felt lifeless. Sometimes I frantically would wring my hands. I have also come to believe that my husband will never take me seriously again because I was so dumb to believe such a flagrant lie. And how do I move forward in my healing and rebuilding of our relationship when I am so fearful of being duped again? I don't want to feel that awful humiliation again.
Shame, shame, SHAME!
So, as with every other emotion that my recovery work brings up, I have the option of shoving it back where it came from or facing it head on and trying to heal it. But how do you heal shame? Do I just rationalize it away? I don't think so.
I did a search online about shame and have learned a few things. I found some wisdom from Brene Brown. I love her! She is one of my new favorite people. I found two great clips here and here and here. This is some of what stood out to me:
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 things to grow exponentially...secrecy, silence and judgement. It will creep into every crevice of your life and shape your life. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it cannot survive. Shame cannot survive being spoken."
"Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I'm alone."
"Shame breeds fear, blame and disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"The less you talk about it, the more you got it."
I also found a clip that talks about "6 types of people who do not deserve to hear your shame story". Do we have people in our lives who we can share our story with and will sit with us in that pain, hold us through that journey? Do I? Is there someone in my life who has earned the right to hear my story? I'm not sure. I want to create a relationship like that.
Courage is telling our story from our heart. The way to get out from under shame is to tell our story.
So right now, by typing this blog post, I am turning the tables on my shame. When that monster (that looks like me, but is really shame) rears its head waving the finger in my face, I will take a breath and douse myself with empathy, understanding and love. I was vulnerable, I got burned. Yes. I may have responded by believing because I was afraid to face the truth or maybe I was inspired to give him a chance (multiple chances) to be honest. Whatever the reason, it is a part of my story and is some of the thread in the tapestry that makes me who I am today. I will look myself in the eye and say, "it's ok that you believed. I know it hurts. I love you."
Bam! Suckerpunch!...shame is KO!
Friday 1 November 2013
Character Weaknesses - Part 1
I have more to say about my experiences with character weaknesses, but for today, this is part 1 that is on my mind....
In the 12 step phone in group I attend, we recently read step 6 in the LDS ARP manual, and it talks about over coming our character weaknesses. It felt like kind of an intense step because most of the time it seems my character weaknesses are blaringly right in front of my face. I look at them and agonize over them every day. I have come to believe that one of those character weaknesses is that I do not spend nearly enough time looking at my character strengths. Constantly beating ourselves up about our flaws is not the way God intends us to address our weaknesses.
However, every now and then I am faced with a situation where my character weaknesses take hold and I dig my heels in and completely justify my behavior or reaction. I tell myself, "you have every right to respond this way! In this case it isn't a weakness, it is an expected reaction to the situation." This happened to me this morning. I was faced with a situation with my in-laws where it tested what is already a weakness of mine.
I am not really a generous person. Because I live in so much fear of more loss, I have a hard time giving (time or things) if I am in a state of perceived shortage or struggling. I go into a mode of "my precious, my precious", trying desperately not to lose anything else. Now, on the flip side, my heart does desire to be generous. I just really struggle at it. And when I have been hurt by someone, it is WAY harder for me to be willing to give anything to them.
I have been hurt deeply by my in-laws. DEEPLY. My contact with them is pretty much non-existent at this point. They never call our house anymore, even to talk to our kids. They only have contact with my husband when he is at work, so as to not cross paths with me. We are in a very hard financial situation in our family right now and I had my husband approach them recently and ask if we could have some help so we could try and dig out of some of the debt we are drowning in and for some basic living. We proposed a plan and they said no. And it isn't because they don't have the means to help.
So this morning, the phone rings and it is the in-laws. My husband was home at the time and he talked with them. They were calling asking for some help. They wanted him to drive around meeting one of them and then the other to deliver something that neither of them had time to do themselves. He was supposed to leave for work in about 20 minutes. He agreed to do it, as he always does (he is generous with his/our time and money...sometimes to a fault).
My weaknesses were ROARING! "Why should we help them, when they wouldn't help us? Why can't they do this themselves? Why are their appointments more important than our need for an income (opening the store on time)? Why should we spend this money on gas and parking when they wouldn't help us?" and on and on and on it went. I tried not to ROAR at my husband. I explained my feelings and he pointed out that they have helped us many other times in different ways. I was in such a state that I could not see how they have. He quietly (yay for him overcoming his weakness in that moment and not biting off my head as he usually would!) reminded me of some times when they have helped. I was humbled and apologized to him.
And then I found out that he was an hour and a half late for work (because the list of favors kept growing) instead of the 45 minutes I originally thought. His work is a store we own...so the store was an hour and a half late opening.
ROAR! GRRR! HIIISSSSS!
How quickly the weaknesses return!
"This change of heart or desire is the purpose of step 6. "How?" you may cry. "How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?" Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life - maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions." (ARP manual, step 6.)
I know I need to change this about myself. But right now I just feel really grumpy about it. I don't want to be generous to people who have hurt me repeatedly.
But, Jesus Christ, our Example, gave EVERYTHING for all of us - not despite the pain He experienced, but BECAUSE of the pain He experienced - so that we can overcome our weaknesses and have a more full and beautiful life - here and beyond. He KNOWS what it feels like to be betrayed, lied about, abused, shamed, and abandoned. He didn't say, "I will only pay the price for those who are always kind and loving to me." If anything, His kindness extends even deeper to those who did hurt him.
"Give to him that asketh the, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, hate thine enemy.
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you;
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:42-48 , 3 Nephi 12:42-48)
Sometimes, being a disciple of Jesus Christ is just down right tough. Worth it, but tough!
In the 12 step phone in group I attend, we recently read step 6 in the LDS ARP manual, and it talks about over coming our character weaknesses. It felt like kind of an intense step because most of the time it seems my character weaknesses are blaringly right in front of my face. I look at them and agonize over them every day. I have come to believe that one of those character weaknesses is that I do not spend nearly enough time looking at my character strengths. Constantly beating ourselves up about our flaws is not the way God intends us to address our weaknesses.
However, every now and then I am faced with a situation where my character weaknesses take hold and I dig my heels in and completely justify my behavior or reaction. I tell myself, "you have every right to respond this way! In this case it isn't a weakness, it is an expected reaction to the situation." This happened to me this morning. I was faced with a situation with my in-laws where it tested what is already a weakness of mine.
I am not really a generous person. Because I live in so much fear of more loss, I have a hard time giving (time or things) if I am in a state of perceived shortage or struggling. I go into a mode of "my precious, my precious", trying desperately not to lose anything else. Now, on the flip side, my heart does desire to be generous. I just really struggle at it. And when I have been hurt by someone, it is WAY harder for me to be willing to give anything to them.
I have been hurt deeply by my in-laws. DEEPLY. My contact with them is pretty much non-existent at this point. They never call our house anymore, even to talk to our kids. They only have contact with my husband when he is at work, so as to not cross paths with me. We are in a very hard financial situation in our family right now and I had my husband approach them recently and ask if we could have some help so we could try and dig out of some of the debt we are drowning in and for some basic living. We proposed a plan and they said no. And it isn't because they don't have the means to help.
So this morning, the phone rings and it is the in-laws. My husband was home at the time and he talked with them. They were calling asking for some help. They wanted him to drive around meeting one of them and then the other to deliver something that neither of them had time to do themselves. He was supposed to leave for work in about 20 minutes. He agreed to do it, as he always does (he is generous with his/our time and money...sometimes to a fault).
My weaknesses were ROARING! "Why should we help them, when they wouldn't help us? Why can't they do this themselves? Why are their appointments more important than our need for an income (opening the store on time)? Why should we spend this money on gas and parking when they wouldn't help us?" and on and on and on it went. I tried not to ROAR at my husband. I explained my feelings and he pointed out that they have helped us many other times in different ways. I was in such a state that I could not see how they have. He quietly (yay for him overcoming his weakness in that moment and not biting off my head as he usually would!) reminded me of some times when they have helped. I was humbled and apologized to him.
And then I found out that he was an hour and a half late for work (because the list of favors kept growing) instead of the 45 minutes I originally thought. His work is a store we own...so the store was an hour and a half late opening.
ROAR! GRRR! HIIISSSSS!
How quickly the weaknesses return!
"This change of heart or desire is the purpose of step 6. "How?" you may cry. "How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?" Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life - maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions." (ARP manual, step 6.)
I know I need to change this about myself. But right now I just feel really grumpy about it. I don't want to be generous to people who have hurt me repeatedly.
But, Jesus Christ, our Example, gave EVERYTHING for all of us - not despite the pain He experienced, but BECAUSE of the pain He experienced - so that we can overcome our weaknesses and have a more full and beautiful life - here and beyond. He KNOWS what it feels like to be betrayed, lied about, abused, shamed, and abandoned. He didn't say, "I will only pay the price for those who are always kind and loving to me." If anything, His kindness extends even deeper to those who did hurt him.
"Give to him that asketh the, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, hate thine enemy.
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you;
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:42-48 , 3 Nephi 12:42-48)
Sometimes, being a disciple of Jesus Christ is just down right tough. Worth it, but tough!
Friday 11 October 2013
Addicted to FEAR
You know those jobs around the house that you put off and put off because they are so big and potentially require making a bigger mess in order to tackle the job? Cleaning out the garage or a storage closet, sorting through multiple children's multiple season and multiple size clothing, cutting down wild blackberry bushes that are threatening (or succeeding) to take over the back deck....you know the ones. They call at you repeatedly, 'I know you know I'm here. You can't ignore me forever. Hey you! Nudge nudge. I know you can hear me! Come on, don't be scared." I have those all around my house. But I also have them inside me.
Whether it is a weakness I know I need to dedicate more time to overcoming or something I need to repent of, spiritual house cleaning is a regular part of all of our lives. With the journey of recovery for us as spouses (and children) of addicts, there is a lot that calls to us for some cleaning and work. One of those things for me right now that is getting louder and louder is the fear inventory in step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual. For that we are supposed to write a list of all of our fears - ALL of them - and then with each one we are to write how we know we will be ok even if it happens because the Lord will sustain and support us.
To me, this is a bigger job than any chore calling my name around my house. This is bigger than 3 garages. Number one on the list would be "I am afraid to write my fear inventory because of the mess I think it will make when I pull out and look at all of the other things I fear." I have stopped working on my program with HTC for awhile because I was scared to do this step. I told myself for awhile that I have to do everything in order in the book, and if I get stuck on something then I need to stay with that until I can move through it. But I was stuck for a long time. And then I stopped working my program because I just was too scared to do that step. It feels SO BIG. Recently though, as more disclosures or "finds" have happened in my marriage I have really needed to dive back into my healing program. So, I changed my opinion and just skipped past that scary part of the fear inventory. I felt good as I worked on the other parts of the step. But I still hear it calling to me. "Don't forget about me. You need to face me. I am a part of this program for a reason. HEY YOU!!! I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M STILL HERE!" Sigh.
But I am scared. Really scared. I have SO many fears. I have lived in fear most of my life. So the thought of even just taking the time to write those down is a bit daunting. Not to mention the energy that it will require to open that can of worms and look at each wiggly one and give it a name. It is so much easier (or so I tell myself) to keep them out of focus, stuffed in a can (or storage locker the size of an airplane hanger) off to the side where they can just keep each other company, and try and continue on with my life. But the problem with these fear worms is that unless they are dealt with, they just wiggle and squirm, causing trouble even when I am not paying attention to them.
And so today as I was driving, I thought about them again and knew I had to face them. But then I had a new perspective as I pondered on why I was hiding from them even though I knew I would heal faster if I faced them.
I think I am addicted to fear.
In pretty much every situation I face in my life, big or small, I look for what I can fear. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom...I do a visual sweep of the room, especially near where I will be, looking for spiders. I'm terrified of spiders. So I am always on the lookout for them. I can become paralyzed trying to make decisions because of fear. As a child I used to constantly ask "what if". I drove my parents crazy. I remember one day driving down the road and after a barrage of "what if" questions, I asked my dad, "what if that telephone pole broke and fell down on top of our car right as we drove under it?" That was the end of the conversation. He told me I couldn't talk again until we got to wherever we were going. The strange thing about that conversation is that I don't actually remember feeling scared about the possibility of our car being crushed by a telephone pole. I was just investigating whether that should be feared or not.
Sometimes looking for what is to fear is a wise thing and can provide safety. Other times it is just a direct path into CrazyTown. If we look at the definition of addiction as a behavior that one repeatedly chooses, even when it is detrimental to their own well being or the well being of their loved ones, and has negative consequences, yet they can't seem to stop doing it....that fits the bill with me and fear. I seek it out even though I know it isn't helping...even though I know it is causing harm. And I dwell on it, over and over again. But the CrazyTown part is that I'm not looking to let it go. And I'm rarely willing to listen to suggestions on how to let it go. Sometimes I don't even WANT to let it go. Fear is familiar to me. I have learned how to function in fear (sort of). When I feel safe and don't feel the constant beating drum of my fears, I become scared that something big is going to come along and give me something new to be afraid of. Then I become afraid of the unknown, and back into my familiar, fear-filled cycles I go. So I guess another fear added to my list is that I'm afraid to learn to live without fear.
"Hello, old friend. You are a pest to have around, but you are familiar....so I will let you stay."
The second part of the fear inventory rarely comes into my consideration...the part that says I am to acknowledge that God will support me even if that happens. Stop and consider that statement. Even if my fear comes to pass...God will support and help me through that. There is power in that statement. He knows exactly how to overcome fears and exactly how to heal and help me when my fears actually happen.
HE KNOWS HOW! And He wants to help!
So what am I going to do about this? Well, just like every other path of healing from addiction...I will take it one step at a time, recognizing what I cannot control...not fearing it, but trusting God will take care of it. One spiritual squat at a time. Look at what I can control - I can start by writing down one or two fears each day AND acknowledge that GOD WILL SUSTAIN ME EVEN IF IT HAPPENS. If I get brave, I can look at more. Line upon line.
Isn't it interesting that an exercise in facing our fears is in the step about trusting God???
Whether it is a weakness I know I need to dedicate more time to overcoming or something I need to repent of, spiritual house cleaning is a regular part of all of our lives. With the journey of recovery for us as spouses (and children) of addicts, there is a lot that calls to us for some cleaning and work. One of those things for me right now that is getting louder and louder is the fear inventory in step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual. For that we are supposed to write a list of all of our fears - ALL of them - and then with each one we are to write how we know we will be ok even if it happens because the Lord will sustain and support us.
To me, this is a bigger job than any chore calling my name around my house. This is bigger than 3 garages. Number one on the list would be "I am afraid to write my fear inventory because of the mess I think it will make when I pull out and look at all of the other things I fear." I have stopped working on my program with HTC for awhile because I was scared to do this step. I told myself for awhile that I have to do everything in order in the book, and if I get stuck on something then I need to stay with that until I can move through it. But I was stuck for a long time. And then I stopped working my program because I just was too scared to do that step. It feels SO BIG. Recently though, as more disclosures or "finds" have happened in my marriage I have really needed to dive back into my healing program. So, I changed my opinion and just skipped past that scary part of the fear inventory. I felt good as I worked on the other parts of the step. But I still hear it calling to me. "Don't forget about me. You need to face me. I am a part of this program for a reason. HEY YOU!!! I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M STILL HERE!" Sigh.
But I am scared. Really scared. I have SO many fears. I have lived in fear most of my life. So the thought of even just taking the time to write those down is a bit daunting. Not to mention the energy that it will require to open that can of worms and look at each wiggly one and give it a name. It is so much easier (or so I tell myself) to keep them out of focus, stuffed in a can (or storage locker the size of an airplane hanger) off to the side where they can just keep each other company, and try and continue on with my life. But the problem with these fear worms is that unless they are dealt with, they just wiggle and squirm, causing trouble even when I am not paying attention to them.
And so today as I was driving, I thought about them again and knew I had to face them. But then I had a new perspective as I pondered on why I was hiding from them even though I knew I would heal faster if I faced them.
I think I am addicted to fear.
In pretty much every situation I face in my life, big or small, I look for what I can fear. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom...I do a visual sweep of the room, especially near where I will be, looking for spiders. I'm terrified of spiders. So I am always on the lookout for them. I can become paralyzed trying to make decisions because of fear. As a child I used to constantly ask "what if". I drove my parents crazy. I remember one day driving down the road and after a barrage of "what if" questions, I asked my dad, "what if that telephone pole broke and fell down on top of our car right as we drove under it?" That was the end of the conversation. He told me I couldn't talk again until we got to wherever we were going. The strange thing about that conversation is that I don't actually remember feeling scared about the possibility of our car being crushed by a telephone pole. I was just investigating whether that should be feared or not.
Sometimes looking for what is to fear is a wise thing and can provide safety. Other times it is just a direct path into CrazyTown. If we look at the definition of addiction as a behavior that one repeatedly chooses, even when it is detrimental to their own well being or the well being of their loved ones, and has negative consequences, yet they can't seem to stop doing it....that fits the bill with me and fear. I seek it out even though I know it isn't helping...even though I know it is causing harm. And I dwell on it, over and over again. But the CrazyTown part is that I'm not looking to let it go. And I'm rarely willing to listen to suggestions on how to let it go. Sometimes I don't even WANT to let it go. Fear is familiar to me. I have learned how to function in fear (sort of). When I feel safe and don't feel the constant beating drum of my fears, I become scared that something big is going to come along and give me something new to be afraid of. Then I become afraid of the unknown, and back into my familiar, fear-filled cycles I go. So I guess another fear added to my list is that I'm afraid to learn to live without fear.
"Hello, old friend. You are a pest to have around, but you are familiar....so I will let you stay."
The second part of the fear inventory rarely comes into my consideration...the part that says I am to acknowledge that God will support me even if that happens. Stop and consider that statement. Even if my fear comes to pass...God will support and help me through that. There is power in that statement. He knows exactly how to overcome fears and exactly how to heal and help me when my fears actually happen.
HE KNOWS HOW! And He wants to help!
So what am I going to do about this? Well, just like every other path of healing from addiction...I will take it one step at a time, recognizing what I cannot control...not fearing it, but trusting God will take care of it. One spiritual squat at a time. Look at what I can control - I can start by writing down one or two fears each day AND acknowledge that GOD WILL SUSTAIN ME EVEN IF IT HAPPENS. If I get brave, I can look at more. Line upon line.
Isn't it interesting that an exercise in facing our fears is in the step about trusting God???
Wednesday 9 October 2013
Spiritual squats
The other day I bent over to pick something up off the floor and my legs almost gave out from under me. I had no idea why my legs felt so weak. A little while later (and many times bending over to pick something up...an occupational hazard as a mother) I remembered that a day or two before my family had gone to clean our church building. One of the jobs I had was to clean both sides of all the glass doors. It is a big building, and there are a LOT of glass doors. My 8 year old joined me on this task and we did a lot of squats as we cleaned and dried up and down the doors. Occasionally, well, more than occasionally we had to redo a door because one of my younger kids would come running up and see me on the other side of the door and plaster their handprint on the glass to say hi. It is not a stretch to say in the space of about an hour, I cleaned almost every door at least twice.
That's a lot of squats. My body for two days afterwards proclaimed, "I protesteth!"
At the strangest times, even just standing still, one of my quads would give way and my legs would buckle. I was wobbly, my balance was a bit off and there was definite discomfort. But, knowing what I do about our physical bodies, my legs actually GAINED strength from that exercise. If I keep it up (which sad to say I'm not inclined to continue doing a bunch of squats everyday), my muscles will become stronger, my balance will improve and I will not experience the same discomfort...until I push myself beyond my comfort zone again.
This got me to thinking...
In my 12 step group for spouses of addicts, this week we read step 3. It is all about trusting in God. This is one area I have struggled with from the time I joined the church 17 years ago. Some stages in my life it has been more of a struggle than others. Discovering the multiple betrayals by my husband deeply impacted my ability to trust ANYONE. Including myself. I felt everyone, including myself, had let me down. I had no idea how to just trust God and give Him my burden to carry. It sounded so easy, so simple.
I tried to visualize the words "my trust" written on a pretty piece of paper and wrapped up in a present with a bow that I handed to the Lord. I tried to visualize myself kneeling at his feet and asking Him to take it. I said it multiple times in prayer..."God, I give this to you. Please take it and take care of me."
I noticed no difference. I still felt distant and alone. It was as if I was on the other side of the glass door and couldn't access Him or hear Him. I knew He was there, busily working. But I couldn't seem to get to Him. Every now and then I could sense a small wave or smile from the other side of the glass letting me know He sees me too. But it was still so frustrating to not be able to get to Him.
I am sure that I have left many of my own hand prints on the glass as I tried to get to Him or even as I have tried to work "with" Him. And almost every time, He would have had to clean off my smudges as I fumble my way along.
So how is it done? How do I come to trust Him? If that is essential to my growth and healing - which I know it is - how do I do it?
One spiritual squat at a time.
My little children do not have the physical strength to spend an hour doing squats cleaning windows. They would tire out before we were even half way done. I know this, and because I know their ability, I do not expect them to do that job on their own. They were given smaller tasks suited to their strengths, abilities, height and attention span.
God does not expect me (or anyone else) to be able to do more than we are capable. Yes, we are expected to stretch. But there is a limit to that as well. If we stretch for too long or too far, we will injure ourselves. He is not asking me to give Him my complete trust right now. He knows I am not capable of doing that. But He is asking me to give all I can. To stretch. To work up a bit of a sweat. To be willing to have wobbly legs.
Here are some ways I do spiritual squats:
-pray, even or ESPECIALLY when it is hard.
-read my scriptures, even or ESPECIALLY when it's hard...and look for evidence in the scriptures of how others have trusted God and how He blessed them.
Nephi is an amazing example of this. He was willing to try - "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 1Ne 3:7. He trusted that God would lead him, even when he didn't know the way: "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." 1Ne 4:6. He was obedient, following the promptings he received, even though it was hard....VERY HARD: "Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit." 1Ne 4:18.
-look for tender mercies from God in my life and show gratitude for those gifts.
-testify to others of how God has blessed me.
-express a desire to trust...or even a desire to WANT to trust and ask God to build on that.
-look at and learn from past experiences where I have tried and was successful and was not successful. Ask God to teach me what happened in each situation. Don't beat myself up for when I wasn't successful. Learn from it.
-act on promptings or impressions I receive, even if I'm not sure. The ONLY way to learn the difference between my voice, the voice of the Spirit or "other" voices, is by experience. I can use the knowledge we have been given about how the Spirit works to try and decipher the source of my impression. But the only real test (so far as I have learned) is to act.
"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." Moroni 7:16 "And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ." Moroni 7:24.
And if I find I followed the wrong voice? Well, God has an amazing glass cleaner that can remove any smudge I leave. He can even repair the entire glass if I really mess up and break it.
God teaches us line up on line. That is how the Savior learned as well. I can learn to trust Him line upon line, baby step by baby step. Squat by squat.
Yes, it is hard. VERY HARD. But we can do hard things. We can do ALL THINGS with Christ. We don't have to do this alone. He doesn't want us to do this alone. That is not His plan. His plan is for us to try, to get wobbly legs, get off balance, FALL OVER, and then, using the strength we have built up in our spiritual legs by the exercises we have already done that build our strength, TAKE THE LORD'S HAND, and try again. Each time gaining strength, courage and stability.
Occasionally we will fall and have a hard time getting back up again. Sometimes we are just so TIRED. He will wait for us, as we spend a bit of time on our knees (or flat on our face on the ground) resting, praying, regaining our courage and belief in ourselves, and allowing His power to restore us with enough strength to lift our leg. Just one leg at a time.
That is how I am coming to trust God.
That's a lot of squats. My body for two days afterwards proclaimed, "I protesteth!"
At the strangest times, even just standing still, one of my quads would give way and my legs would buckle. I was wobbly, my balance was a bit off and there was definite discomfort. But, knowing what I do about our physical bodies, my legs actually GAINED strength from that exercise. If I keep it up (which sad to say I'm not inclined to continue doing a bunch of squats everyday), my muscles will become stronger, my balance will improve and I will not experience the same discomfort...until I push myself beyond my comfort zone again.
This got me to thinking...
In my 12 step group for spouses of addicts, this week we read step 3. It is all about trusting in God. This is one area I have struggled with from the time I joined the church 17 years ago. Some stages in my life it has been more of a struggle than others. Discovering the multiple betrayals by my husband deeply impacted my ability to trust ANYONE. Including myself. I felt everyone, including myself, had let me down. I had no idea how to just trust God and give Him my burden to carry. It sounded so easy, so simple.
I tried to visualize the words "my trust" written on a pretty piece of paper and wrapped up in a present with a bow that I handed to the Lord. I tried to visualize myself kneeling at his feet and asking Him to take it. I said it multiple times in prayer..."God, I give this to you. Please take it and take care of me."
I noticed no difference. I still felt distant and alone. It was as if I was on the other side of the glass door and couldn't access Him or hear Him. I knew He was there, busily working. But I couldn't seem to get to Him. Every now and then I could sense a small wave or smile from the other side of the glass letting me know He sees me too. But it was still so frustrating to not be able to get to Him.
I am sure that I have left many of my own hand prints on the glass as I tried to get to Him or even as I have tried to work "with" Him. And almost every time, He would have had to clean off my smudges as I fumble my way along.
So how is it done? How do I come to trust Him? If that is essential to my growth and healing - which I know it is - how do I do it?
One spiritual squat at a time.
My little children do not have the physical strength to spend an hour doing squats cleaning windows. They would tire out before we were even half way done. I know this, and because I know their ability, I do not expect them to do that job on their own. They were given smaller tasks suited to their strengths, abilities, height and attention span.
God does not expect me (or anyone else) to be able to do more than we are capable. Yes, we are expected to stretch. But there is a limit to that as well. If we stretch for too long or too far, we will injure ourselves. He is not asking me to give Him my complete trust right now. He knows I am not capable of doing that. But He is asking me to give all I can. To stretch. To work up a bit of a sweat. To be willing to have wobbly legs.
Here are some ways I do spiritual squats:
-pray, even or ESPECIALLY when it is hard.
-read my scriptures, even or ESPECIALLY when it's hard...and look for evidence in the scriptures of how others have trusted God and how He blessed them.
Nephi is an amazing example of this. He was willing to try - "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 1Ne 3:7. He trusted that God would lead him, even when he didn't know the way: "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." 1Ne 4:6. He was obedient, following the promptings he received, even though it was hard....VERY HARD: "Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit." 1Ne 4:18.
-look for tender mercies from God in my life and show gratitude for those gifts.
-testify to others of how God has blessed me.
-express a desire to trust...or even a desire to WANT to trust and ask God to build on that.
-look at and learn from past experiences where I have tried and was successful and was not successful. Ask God to teach me what happened in each situation. Don't beat myself up for when I wasn't successful. Learn from it.
-act on promptings or impressions I receive, even if I'm not sure. The ONLY way to learn the difference between my voice, the voice of the Spirit or "other" voices, is by experience. I can use the knowledge we have been given about how the Spirit works to try and decipher the source of my impression. But the only real test (so far as I have learned) is to act.
"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." Moroni 7:16 "And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ." Moroni 7:24.
And if I find I followed the wrong voice? Well, God has an amazing glass cleaner that can remove any smudge I leave. He can even repair the entire glass if I really mess up and break it.
God teaches us line up on line. That is how the Savior learned as well. I can learn to trust Him line upon line, baby step by baby step. Squat by squat.
Yes, it is hard. VERY HARD. But we can do hard things. We can do ALL THINGS with Christ. We don't have to do this alone. He doesn't want us to do this alone. That is not His plan. His plan is for us to try, to get wobbly legs, get off balance, FALL OVER, and then, using the strength we have built up in our spiritual legs by the exercises we have already done that build our strength, TAKE THE LORD'S HAND, and try again. Each time gaining strength, courage and stability.
Occasionally we will fall and have a hard time getting back up again. Sometimes we are just so TIRED. He will wait for us, as we spend a bit of time on our knees (or flat on our face on the ground) resting, praying, regaining our courage and belief in ourselves, and allowing His power to restore us with enough strength to lift our leg. Just one leg at a time.
That is how I am coming to trust God.
Friday 6 September 2013
Searching for Evidence
I have spent SOO much time and energy searching for evidence about my husband.
-is he being honest or lying?
-is he looking at inappropriate things? lusting after other women? fantasising about other women? emailing or texting other women? meeting with other women? loving other women? wishing I was other women?
-Does he love me? Want to be with me?
- Is he happy he married me?
-Is he sorry? Is he trying to fix what he broke? Making real efforts to improve himself and our marriage?
I search his words, watch his behavior. I think about and consider what others say about him. I try to sense his spirit to get a better understanding of who he is and what kind of relationship I can have with him. I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad to determine who he was, is today and might be in the future.
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my weaknesses that alter my perception.
I don't trust him. I don't always trust the evidence I do or do not find. I do not trust that he has my best interest as one of his main priorities. Evidence HAS shown me that I DO believe he loves me. It is hard for him to show it sometimes, and may be even more often hard for me to receive and accept it. But I believe it is there and I believe it can grow.
I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just a mirage - that it is real, tangible goodness.
Right now, evidence is helping me believe in him and us and I have spent A LOT of time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand (and what evidence I do not find).
Searching for evidence - about God...
I realized the other day how LITTLE time and effort I give to searching for evidence of God's love for me - yet I have struggled for SO LONG to believe or feel His love. I find myself actually doubting it more than believing. Some of the questions I search for about my husband can apply to my relationship with God too.
-Does HE love me? Does HE want to have a relationship with me? Does HE wish I was someone else? Is HE happy with me? Is HE trying/wanting to fix the broken me? Is HE wanting to improve our relationship?
-Do I search HIS words, watch HIS behavior? Do I think about and consider what others say about HIM?
-Do I try to sense HIS Spirit to get a better understanding of who HE is and what kind of relationship I can have with HIM?
-Do I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad in my life to determine who HE was to me then, who HE is to me today, and who HE might be to me in the future?
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my many weaknesses that alter my perception.
-Do I trust HIM? Do I trust the evidence I HAVE seen that HE CAN be trusted? Do I want to believe HE can be trusted? Or is that too scary and it's easier for me to tell myself I can't trust HIM so I don't have to push through MY fears and issues?
-Do I believe HE has my best interest as one of HIS main priorities?
"For behold, this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." - Moses 1:39
Evidence HAS shown me HE is aware of me. Is there evidence that HE LOVES ME?
Is it hard for me to see, feel, receive and accept HIS love? Do I believe it is there? Do I believe HE is there for ME?
I believe I CAN GROW. I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just wishful thinking - that HIS LOVE is real, tangible goodness. That the love of God "sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable of all things ....Yea, and the most joyous to the soul." -1Ne 11:22-23. That HIS love can pierce my heart and bring my soul joy.
Right now, even though we are taught evidence comes AFTER the trial of our faith, evidence is helping me believe in HIM and US and I need to spend much more time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand. For me, searching for this evidence IS a test of my faith right now, as my inclination is often to not see it or believe and to give up trying. By actively searching and seeking....search, ponder and pray....I am exercising my faith.
So, instead of searching the computer history or my husband's phone...I will search God's word and look for evidence that HE loves me and is here for me...no matter what may be on that internet/email history. I will give more time and energy to seeking evidence of God and HIS involvement in my life.
Because after all...searching for God will prevent me from getting a vacation home in CrazyTown...and that is a good thing!
-is he being honest or lying?
-is he looking at inappropriate things? lusting after other women? fantasising about other women? emailing or texting other women? meeting with other women? loving other women? wishing I was other women?
-Does he love me? Want to be with me?
- Is he happy he married me?
-Is he sorry? Is he trying to fix what he broke? Making real efforts to improve himself and our marriage?
I search his words, watch his behavior. I think about and consider what others say about him. I try to sense his spirit to get a better understanding of who he is and what kind of relationship I can have with him. I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad to determine who he was, is today and might be in the future.
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my weaknesses that alter my perception.
I don't trust him. I don't always trust the evidence I do or do not find. I do not trust that he has my best interest as one of his main priorities. Evidence HAS shown me that I DO believe he loves me. It is hard for him to show it sometimes, and may be even more often hard for me to receive and accept it. But I believe it is there and I believe it can grow.
I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just a mirage - that it is real, tangible goodness.
Right now, evidence is helping me believe in him and us and I have spent A LOT of time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand (and what evidence I do not find).
Searching for evidence - about God...
I realized the other day how LITTLE time and effort I give to searching for evidence of God's love for me - yet I have struggled for SO LONG to believe or feel His love. I find myself actually doubting it more than believing. Some of the questions I search for about my husband can apply to my relationship with God too.
-Does HE love me? Does HE want to have a relationship with me? Does HE wish I was someone else? Is HE happy with me? Is HE trying/wanting to fix the broken me? Is HE wanting to improve our relationship?
-Do I search HIS words, watch HIS behavior? Do I think about and consider what others say about HIM?
-Do I try to sense HIS Spirit to get a better understanding of who HE is and what kind of relationship I can have with HIM?
-Do I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad in my life to determine who HE was to me then, who HE is to me today, and who HE might be to me in the future?
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my many weaknesses that alter my perception.
-Do I trust HIM? Do I trust the evidence I HAVE seen that HE CAN be trusted? Do I want to believe HE can be trusted? Or is that too scary and it's easier for me to tell myself I can't trust HIM so I don't have to push through MY fears and issues?
-Do I believe HE has my best interest as one of HIS main priorities?
"For behold, this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." - Moses 1:39
Evidence HAS shown me HE is aware of me. Is there evidence that HE LOVES ME?
Is it hard for me to see, feel, receive and accept HIS love? Do I believe it is there? Do I believe HE is there for ME?
I believe I CAN GROW. I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just wishful thinking - that HIS LOVE is real, tangible goodness. That the love of God "sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable of all things ....Yea, and the most joyous to the soul." -1Ne 11:22-23. That HIS love can pierce my heart and bring my soul joy.
Right now, even though we are taught evidence comes AFTER the trial of our faith, evidence is helping me believe in HIM and US and I need to spend much more time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand. For me, searching for this evidence IS a test of my faith right now, as my inclination is often to not see it or believe and to give up trying. By actively searching and seeking....search, ponder and pray....I am exercising my faith.
So, instead of searching the computer history or my husband's phone...I will search God's word and look for evidence that HE loves me and is here for me...no matter what may be on that internet/email history. I will give more time and energy to seeking evidence of God and HIS involvement in my life.
Because after all...searching for God will prevent me from getting a vacation home in CrazyTown...and that is a good thing!
Saturday 10 August 2013
Victim status
While working the Healing Through Christ program, step one asks "Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction?" I may be misinterpreting this question, but it seems as though being a victim is not a good thing.
I have read this in many places...do not be a victim, don't take on the victim role, it is not healthy to be a victim, etc. But when I sit down with my journal and work these questions, trying to heal from the trauma that has come to my life from the choices of my parents and husband in their addictions, and I ask myself if I feel like a victim, my answer is a great big, fat
I looked up the definition of victim. I found the following definitions here.
I have read this in many places...do not be a victim, don't take on the victim role, it is not healthy to be a victim, etc. But when I sit down with my journal and work these questions, trying to heal from the trauma that has come to my life from the choices of my parents and husband in their addictions, and I ask myself if I feel like a victim, my answer is a great big, fat
HECK YES!
I looked up the definition of victim. I found the following definitions here.
1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.
2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.
Number 2. Um, hello!
My father was (and sometimes continues to be) emotionally abusive to me my whole life. He taught me by regular reinforcement how to be effectively codependent, and how to fear. He was physically abusive to other family members.
My mother lied, abandoned, withdrew, missed grandchildren's birthdays and ultimately died because of her addiction to alcohol and numbing her feelings. Despite all of that, she was my safe place, and she took that away from me.
My husband...well, he has lied, betrayed, broke covenants, crushed my heart, destroyed my confidence in myself and men (and God), allowed me to doubt my worth and abilities and sanity, and put us in VERY difficult (disastrous) financial situations... all while presenting the image that he is a faithful, strong, generous and service oriented man. Talk about optical illusions!
Yes, I am a victim. Sometimes I am wearing the sandwich board and have a neon light above my head with an arrow pointing to me, flashing "victim"...(you know the signs...the ones that are in the nasty parts of town that say "HOT GIRLS" - oh the irony!).
So I wonder why I am not supposed to feel like a victim? Sure, it isn't healthy to DWELL in victim-hood. Just like it's not a good idea to dwell in CrazyTown. But it doesn't feel right to me to try and deny or avoid feeling like a victim. The sad truth is I am a victim of many tragic things done by others throughout my life (as are too many others). The joyful truth is it does not define ME nor control me (99% of the time). Just as I am not defined by any one of the following: being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, split-end picker, emotional eater, singer, crafter, food burner, bug hater, etc. Yes, at times I may say, "I am Woman, hear me roar!", I can also say, "I am a victim, see me cry."
I hold my head up and am not longer going to feel shame by answering that question #5 in step 1...Do you feel like a victim?
YES I DO. And I'm ok with that.
Saturday 3 August 2013
Welcome to CrazyTown!
In that unique half awake/half asleep state just before drifting off to sleep, my brain finds some of its most active adventures. Last night was no different. As I was laying there I listened to an enthusiastic voice, with a real Western/Country twang announcing the following:
"Welcome to CrazyTown! There is no place like it. We have many unique features about our town. You may not even realize you are here. You may think you are still firmly planted in your real life. But that is one of the special secrets we have...Did you notice that scent in the air? Be really still for a moment and you may smell it...that is what we call paranoia perfume. We let it trickle into the air throughout town. Sometimes the wind is blowing just right and you can definitely smell it. Other times it is almost impossible to detect. Occasionally it pools in certain areas of town and you may get the impression you are being smothered by it. Some people are even learning to store it up and sell it to others. They sometimes label it as "cautiousness" or "gathering information" or "protection". But an experienced observer can detect it for what it truly is. It is a very powerful potion. Some people have even become hooked on it and seek it out. But that's one of the unique things about CrazyTown!
"Another special feature of our town is that what you actually see has no relevance to what is considered real. For example, you may be told something by another person and not believe what they say. That may be due to the paranoia potion, or just because you are in CrazyTown. You may make valiant efforts to search out, check up on and question what they have said (to their knowledge or without them knowing) and even though you see nothing to prove they are not being honest...you still won't believe them. Or, if you see someone doing something yet they claim "it wasn't me", you believe the words and not what your eyes have shown you. Does that make sense? Of course not! It's CrazyTown!
"CrazyTown is also like an amusement park for your emotions. You can be feeling just fine one moment and then pass a stranger on the sidewalk and all of a sudden you are filled with very powerful emotions like anger, hatred and fear. You may end up in tears and have no idea why. Just because someone walked by! The same thing can happen with entertainment on tv or movies, advertising posters or something you hear someone say. Now, some may try to tell you that this is not normal...but in CrazyTown, THERE IS NO NORMAL! We like to think of it as exercise for our emotions.
"Possibly one of the most unique aspects of our town is the fact that once you enter in, it is hard to see how you even got here. And, the longer you spend here, the harder it is to find your way out. You may think you know the way, but you may soon find that your efforts to leave just land you in one of our swirling, mirage-like round-abouts. See, people in CrazyTown are never quite sure if they want to leave, so we make sure that only those who REALLY want out can get out. We don't want someone to find themselves outside the town borders by accident.
"Occasionally, someone that is determined to get out decides they are going to take others with them. We have seen people almost dragged out of our town, determined they need to stay. But, to our disappointment, once they get out of town and the paranoia potion has worn off, many decide they never want to come back. But don't let that dissuade you. CrazyTown is great! We have many residents who have been here for years! And we are always happy to welcome new friends!
"We're glad you're here and hope you decide to stay in CrazyTown!"
*disclaimer (said very quickly in an almost mumbled voice) - Residents and visitors of CrazyTown may experience symptoms including, but not limited to, sleepless nights, physical ailments such as headache, nausea, stomach upset, aching body, sweats and raised heart rate. We are not responsible for any negative perceptions of these reactions.
I have been living in CrazyTown. I have debated on whether I was actually there and whether I want to leave. Is it safe to leave? What if it isn't actually CrazyTown? I have reeked of paranoia perfume. I am sure many times my husband thinks I stink!
But I am choosing to leave. I am not totally out yet, but I am making my way towards the exit and trying not to look back. If Lot's wife turned to salt as she looked back when left her wicked town, I'm not sure I want to look back either.
One step in front of another. One less time checking emails/internet history. One less time tracking my husband on the gps on his cell phone. One less time peppering him with 20 questions. One less time reliving the lies and uglies of the past. One more time reminding myself I am strong and not alone. One more time keeping my focus fixed on the True Path.
One step at a time.
So long CrazyTown! You really know how to show a girl a crazy time!
"Welcome to CrazyTown! There is no place like it. We have many unique features about our town. You may not even realize you are here. You may think you are still firmly planted in your real life. But that is one of the special secrets we have...Did you notice that scent in the air? Be really still for a moment and you may smell it...that is what we call paranoia perfume. We let it trickle into the air throughout town. Sometimes the wind is blowing just right and you can definitely smell it. Other times it is almost impossible to detect. Occasionally it pools in certain areas of town and you may get the impression you are being smothered by it. Some people are even learning to store it up and sell it to others. They sometimes label it as "cautiousness" or "gathering information" or "protection". But an experienced observer can detect it for what it truly is. It is a very powerful potion. Some people have even become hooked on it and seek it out. But that's one of the unique things about CrazyTown!
"Another special feature of our town is that what you actually see has no relevance to what is considered real. For example, you may be told something by another person and not believe what they say. That may be due to the paranoia potion, or just because you are in CrazyTown. You may make valiant efforts to search out, check up on and question what they have said (to their knowledge or without them knowing) and even though you see nothing to prove they are not being honest...you still won't believe them. Or, if you see someone doing something yet they claim "it wasn't me", you believe the words and not what your eyes have shown you. Does that make sense? Of course not! It's CrazyTown!
"CrazyTown is also like an amusement park for your emotions. You can be feeling just fine one moment and then pass a stranger on the sidewalk and all of a sudden you are filled with very powerful emotions like anger, hatred and fear. You may end up in tears and have no idea why. Just because someone walked by! The same thing can happen with entertainment on tv or movies, advertising posters or something you hear someone say. Now, some may try to tell you that this is not normal...but in CrazyTown, THERE IS NO NORMAL! We like to think of it as exercise for our emotions.
"Possibly one of the most unique aspects of our town is the fact that once you enter in, it is hard to see how you even got here. And, the longer you spend here, the harder it is to find your way out. You may think you know the way, but you may soon find that your efforts to leave just land you in one of our swirling, mirage-like round-abouts. See, people in CrazyTown are never quite sure if they want to leave, so we make sure that only those who REALLY want out can get out. We don't want someone to find themselves outside the town borders by accident.
"Occasionally, someone that is determined to get out decides they are going to take others with them. We have seen people almost dragged out of our town, determined they need to stay. But, to our disappointment, once they get out of town and the paranoia potion has worn off, many decide they never want to come back. But don't let that dissuade you. CrazyTown is great! We have many residents who have been here for years! And we are always happy to welcome new friends!
"We're glad you're here and hope you decide to stay in CrazyTown!"
*disclaimer (said very quickly in an almost mumbled voice) - Residents and visitors of CrazyTown may experience symptoms including, but not limited to, sleepless nights, physical ailments such as headache, nausea, stomach upset, aching body, sweats and raised heart rate. We are not responsible for any negative perceptions of these reactions.
I have been living in CrazyTown. I have debated on whether I was actually there and whether I want to leave. Is it safe to leave? What if it isn't actually CrazyTown? I have reeked of paranoia perfume. I am sure many times my husband thinks I stink!
But I am choosing to leave. I am not totally out yet, but I am making my way towards the exit and trying not to look back. If Lot's wife turned to salt as she looked back when left her wicked town, I'm not sure I want to look back either.
One step in front of another. One less time checking emails/internet history. One less time tracking my husband on the gps on his cell phone. One less time peppering him with 20 questions. One less time reliving the lies and uglies of the past. One more time reminding myself I am strong and not alone. One more time keeping my focus fixed on the True Path.
One step at a time.
So long CrazyTown! You really know how to show a girl a crazy time!
Tuesday 30 July 2013
Steel cocoon?
For a long time I felt pity for caterpillars. They're creepy crawly things that can wreak havoc on plants and gardens, they spill their guts when they get squished (not their fault, but still ICK!), their progress is painfully slow (not that I prefer FAST moving creepy crawlers) and that leaves them SO VULNERABLE to predators (other animals or curious children), and they are so limited in their perspective of their world (again, not their fault). They inch their furry fat little bodies over the sticks and branches and bumps of trees. It's not a smooth journey, likely not very comfortable at all.
Sometimes I have even felt like a caterpillar. I spill my guts when I'm hurt (say "verbal diarrhea"), I feel like my progress to become a better ME and also my progress of healing is SO SLOW, I feel so vulnerable to the pain that can be caused by others and my perspective is often so limited. All I can see sometimes is the big bump in front of me or I don't even see what is ahead, I just feel all the scrapes and bruises from my inching along journey. (And I can wreak havoc in my garden and with plants, despite my best efforts. But that's a totally different topic!)
At one point the pain that I felt from the destruction and losses addiction has brought into my life (my husband's and parents') seemed more than I could handle. I felt like locking my heart up in a steel box and not letting anyone have access to it. I wanted to retreat, escape from this big bad world. In the words of the popular show The Vampire Diaries, I wanted to "turn off my humanity"...stop feeling.
But that would be as impossible for me as it would to never blink again. I am a feeler. I feel everything. Once as a child there was an icky flying bug in my room. I screamed and my dad came running in to see what was wrong. When I showed him the source of my terrifying scream, he promptly killed the bug and went to leave my room. He was stopped by my heart wrenching sobs of "you shouldn't have killed it! It might have had a family!" (I have since gotten over my concern for killing bugs).
I feel and I feel deeply.
Which brings me back to the problem of my feeling tired of constant pain and wanting it to stop.
As I pondered on the thought of a steel box to safely (but unrealistically) store and protect my heart, the image of a cocoon came to mind. A safe, quiet place caterpillars create for themselves where they are transformed as individuals and so is their future life.
Butterflies are beautiful, delicate and gentle. They can be colourful or blend in. They are wise, knowing where to find nourishment. They can be independent but also migrate with others. And they are free! Free to fly where and how they want. Their view of the world is magnificent. Yes, they are still vulnerable to predators, but they are a lot harder of a target and they don't allow the possibility of hurt or destruction to limit them and prevent them from soaring.
I would like to be like a butterfly. But in order to transform myself and my life I need to allow myself the quiet time to be safe in my cocoon, to find some refuge and healing. The thing is, regular cocoons are fragile. I want my cocoon to be made of reinforced, stainless steel. The reinforcements come from support around me, working my 12 step healing program, and most of all the Atonement of Christ. The stainless part comes from Him too. I can make a mess, let out a bunch of gunk. But it won't stain and leave a permanent mark because the cleansing power of the Atonement washes it all clean.
And thus is created my reinforced, stainless steel cocoon for my transformation. Where I can safely FEEL and HEAL, and transform to a life of freedom, soaring and enjoying the beautiful vistas of this world.
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