Lonely in the majority

Recently I read a great blog post about how the majority of men are involved in regular pornography usage, which means that, for those who are married, there is a majority of wives who are facing this. I too am one in the majority. But my corner in this majority is a really lonely place.

I personally know only one other woman in my entire stake who is also in this majority. I know there are others out there. I read the blogs, I am on a fantastic forum of women fighting this battle everyday. But in my corner of the world, where there are people you can reach out to and phone and hug...there is me, and one other. I am deeply grateful that I know her. Yet because it is just the two of us, it still feels kind of lonely, like we are in this bubble looking out at everyone else who are living normal lives...or who are blissfully ignorant of the problems that are going on. I was there at one point. So was she. Sometimes I wish I could be back there again.

There comes a point each day where my heart cries. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes only me and God know. But everyday it is there. I look at the other women at church and wonder if they are part of this secret majority, and wonder if we would become friends if we knew we shared this life. The ward (congregation) I am a part of has a reputation of being very cliquey and exclusive. Adding the stigma and shame of this addiction, which none of them know we are battling, makes it even more isolating. I KNOW we are not the only ones. I don't know who else it is that is a part of this 70%, but I know they are out there. I wonder if THEY know. My guess is that there may be a small number who do know, who are silently living with heartache and tears, putting on the public happy face, thinking that they are alone. But I also believe that there are many others who are going to have their worlds crash down around them sometime in the future. It is my hope that I can work on my recovery so that I can be in a position to offer them support and strength, and be someone they can turn to. Because I know how much it hurts to feel alone.

My loneliness also runs through my marriage. Finding the balance of detachment and boundaries with connection and love is a challenge. I worry about how my reactions will impact my husband and I don't know what is the healthiest way in various situations. My pain runs so deep and he is not able to heal that for me, and is not a safe place yet to rely on. Living this way feels so lonely.

I want to reach out, seek comfort and support, be understood and validated, GIVE support and validation. Connect. So many factors seem to make this so hard to attain, even when the majority of people around me are facing the same pain.

And then I receive the sweet whisperings of the Spirit reminding me where I can turn...

"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

"Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? HE, only One.

"He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end."
- "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" - lds hymn book p129

In the depths of loneliness, surrounded by others, the answers always seem to point back to HIM.