The secret life of a porn addict's wife

I used to be quite social. I had lots of friends, would chat with or visit people throughout the week, I looked forward to meeting new people and loved making new friends. I wasn't shy to strike up a conversation with someone I didn't know. I had a bubble around me but it felt more like "how many people can I fit inside my bubble?" instead of a bubble to keep people out. Even as a child, if my usual friends weren't available I would open up the phone book and start calling anyone that I knew that I might enjoy spending time with. Sure, I enjoyed time to myself. But I also loved being around others. It filled me up and gave me energy.

Today my world is very different.

To others I may come across as a loner, a stuck up snob, a person who severely lacks in conversation skills, cold, rude, uninviting, antisocial, unapproachable and just unfeeling.

Here's the truth. I am living a secret life. That secret life makes it look like I am all of those things, but that is not me. Really, it isn't. Here's the secret...my husband is a porn and sex addict and, as a result, I've got some major trauma I face every day.

For me, leaving the house when I know I will have to be around other people causes HUGE anxiety. I have to put on full body armor just to feel like I can make it without falling apart around others. Body armor is hard and cold. But it is meant to protect the tender and warm person inside. Right now, I do not know who is safe, and so I feel the need to protect myself from everyone. I want to enjoy the freedom of friendship, but I am so scared to be hurt or to let out my secret.

I see the other moms at the school picking up their kids. They stand in small groups laughing and talking away. Everyday, I stand by myself waiting at my child's classroom door. Occasionally someone will come up and make a comment to me about my baby or one of my kids. But that is it. No one really knows me or anything about me, other than the fact that I always have a ton of kids with me (some mine, some daycare). I am sure it seems I don't want to talk to anyone. But the truth is, I don't know what to say. Right now my life is consumed with taking care of children and trying to heal from betrayal trauma due to my husband's addiction. So even a simple question such as, "so what do you do in your spare time?" is dangerous territory because what I do when I have spare time is work on my 12 step recovery program. I can't say that. My kids are not in any extra curricular activities and so that is not a venue of conversation. There really isn't much else to my life right now. I am not trying to be a snob.

I have at times tried to just turn conversations around to talk about other people. But I realized, that is what my husband has been doing his whole life. A friend of ours recently said to me, "I've known him (husband) for 20 years and I just realized I know very little about him. He is always a great friend to me, willing to listen, be supportive, etc. But he has always turned conversations around to be about me and hasn't let me get to really know him." I just said, "oh. hmmm. Isn't that interesting." She doesn't know my secret either, and she is one of my dearest friends. So as a result of my husband's addiction that stems from his fear of letting people get close to him, I am adopting his same behavior of keeping people out. Sometimes I would rather just avoid conversation than follow in that pattern.

I also have huge anxiety about leaving my house because I know the world is oozing with triggers. There are half naked women everywhere, jokes about sex and pornography and affairs (is that really funny people??), conversations about what people are keeping from their spouses or about how wonderfully perfect their spouse is. There are comments that come out of nowhere about how perfect my life and family seems, that really are laced with barb wires. Or if they are sincere, are based on a false perception. How do I respond when someone says, "oh you have such a wonderful family! You are so blessed and must be so happy!"? It's the same sort of thing when I was in the thick of postpartum depression for the first time...people would come up to me and say "don't you just LOVE being a mother?? Isn't it the best thing EVER??!!" To me, at that time, it was pure misery, sprinkled with the occasional smile. Hearing people talk about how glorious and wonderful marriage is makes me want to scream. So, on goes my armor so that I DON'T scream.

I screamed on facebook the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. There was an article that about 10 of my friends had shared saying how this is the ultimate truth to marriage and how we should be in our marriages. "Only think of your spouse. Love them more. Try harder to make them happy. Their happiness is your number one priority". I ended up in a heated discussion on my wall for 2 days about this because I tried to share that it isn't always healthy to do that (without screaming..."when your husband is an addict, that is the OPPOSITE of what you should do!"). I had people throwing scriptures and talks from church leaders at me, telling me I was selfish and not following God's teachings, how marriage is beautiful, etc. When stuff like that happens, my armor becomes reinforced and glued to me.

I also recently read that when we try and numb feelings, we cannot pick and choose which to numb. Its an all or nothing approach. And so in order to not break down in tears as I stand at the school, or sit in church, or anywhere else I may come across others or triggers, I choose to temporarily numb. And that may seem to others that I am unfeeling, but the truth is, my feelings are so deep and powerful. I am living the opposite of unfeeling.

Now I will admit that if a woman passes by me that looks like half of her wardrobe belongs to her young daughter, there may be some truth to my being angry, cold and antisocial. Right now, because of my trauma, women like that are walking pain to me and I want as little interaction with them as possible.

If you have ever seen the  Twilight saga, one of the characters, Jane, has a special power. She can cause even the strongest to writhe in pain on the ground with just her mind. It is only perceived pain. She actually does nothing to them. But they feel it, vividly.

This is how I feel when certain women are around me, and especially if I am with my husband. It is as though they walk past and say "pain", and if I didn't have some sort of armor on, I would be on the ground in agony. Instead, I stand in agony but come across as stone cold. I am sure that most of these women would be fantastic friends and that in another life, when I wasn't brought to my knees by the pain of my husband lusting after other women, we could have some great times together. But today, you are my Jane.

So to those of you who notice me standing alone at the school, or sitting alone in the back corner at church, or not phoning anyone up to get together...please know that it isn't that I have become a cold, antisocial snob who has turned her back on everyone. It is because I am living a secret life as a porn addict's wife, and I haven't figured out how I fit in the world with this new part of my life. Eventually my bubble will grow to include others again. If you are still around when that time comes, I look forward to some great times together!