Reflections on Mary

As the busyness comes to a boil and we are finishing up our preparations for Christmas, likely we are doing so with a heaviness in our hearts...a silent sorrow for the burdens we are carrying in our lives. The unfulfilled or shattered dreams; the pain of our husband's choices - possibly his rejection of us; an unsure future; a long road ahead of us; desiring to provide the best for our children but feeling limited in our ability to do so; wanting to protect them from the evil we know is out there but knowing that we cannot completely protect them - instead realilizng that preparing them for their life is the best we can do - and try to find joy along the way.

My heart is turning to Mary and pondering on what she must have experienced. This woman lived a virtuous life, desiring to live according to God's teachings. I'm sure she had dreams of what her life would be like...who would she marry, how would he propose, what would her children be like? The dreams of most young women.

And then the angel came...

How did that message he brought change her life? Did she struggle to let go of her plans, her dreams? Did she fear the road she had to walk?

At what point did she surrender her will and say to her Father in Heaven, " I can't do this. This is too much! I need Thy help!", recognizing that she HAD to rely on God and TRUST Him?

How did she feel when Joseph initially chose to not marry her? Did she question her worth? Did she wrestle with feeling rejected and alone...not good enough for Joseph?

Now I am not trying to imply that Joseph's choice is AT ALL the same as our husbands who wrestle with addiction. Instead I am looking at Mary's possible feelings about it. Feeling rejected and abandoned is what it is. It doesn't mean that is what Joseph actually intended to do, but if she FELT that way, even though she was pure and righteous....how did she deal with that? How many tears were shed asking God to comfort her heart? I believe the only way she would have made it through that was by recognizing, believing in, and trusting God's love for her.

And what about the reaction of others? Did people believe her? How many people shunned her because they just didn't understand? How was she shamed? She didn't ask for this in her life, and she didn't do anything wrong. Yet there she was, unwed and pregnant. Did she feel her life had become unmanageable? Were her character weaknesses brought out in the open by others pointing fingers (or by her own mind telling herself that she was not good enough for the calling she had been given)? Did people who DID believe that the Child was to be the Son of God doubt her and question "why her? How could God choose her?" Or did she receive support all around her from people who truly knew her, giving her strength and encouragement that she COULD do this, that she was strong and worthy and capable of doing hard things? Did she have a strong support circle?

And then when it came time for the trip to Bethlehem...was she frantically busy trying to get last minute preparations done, exhausted at the end of her pregnancy? How long did she labour? How did she feel having to face this birth without her mother? Without the rest of her support circle, other than Joseph? Was he supportive? How hard would that have been for him?

She gave us her dreams. She sacrificed in more ways than we can imagine, but also in many ways we can imagine...in ways we can understand. ..a little bit.

Today, I am grateful for Mary. To me she is the epitome of courage, strength and surrendering to God. I admire her greatly.

As we hurry around with our last minute preparations for Christmas, may we take a moment to remember the woman who prepared to bring forth our greatest gift...our Savior.

God bless Mary and all strong and courageous women (ok, and men too 😉) who are striving to live their best life according to God's will and purposes...women who CAN do hard things!

Smashed and burned

So I was given a very nice gift today. The bishop's wife and daughters took my load of kids to their place to bake cookies and allow me a couple of hours to finish up shopping. I made sure this week that I was done my shopping before today so that I could have that time to myself. And what did I do, you ask?

I smashed and burned.

I made a quick trip to the second hand store and carefully selected some items for this adventure. So many times I have wanted to smash and burn things because my anger has been so deep and raw. But I have not had the time to myself or had anything to use. There is one catch with today....

I wasn't feeling angry. Go figure.  My husband even asked me what my plans were and I told him. We had a bit of a laugh together at how silly this seemed since I was actually feeling kind of light-hearted and un-angry. But I did the exercise anyway. I also took pictures.

An empty red container (to minimize the mess) with a rock. This symbolizes rock bottom and the heavy rock I feel in the pit of my stomach.

 

The rim of this plate symbolizes the lies that just went around and around, seemingly never-ending...which left me feeling like my life and mind was constantly going in circles.

 

 

Oh the contradiction and symbolism of this next one! Life can be sweet, but when he chooses to indulge in his addiction...well...

IT'S NUTS!

He chose (chooses?) his indulgences and desires over our family and marriage so many times. And we have been damaged by it. But even when the shell of our life gets cracked, if we get down to the nut (root), that is the good part anyway. (This cup took six throws to actually smash the "indulge" part...how many attempts will it take for my husband to smash his addiction?)

 

 

 

And next comes the forbidden fruit and the thorns of addiction. What could be so sweet and delicious brings sorrow and pain. It looks so appealing but if you are not careful, it will tangle you in its thorns. Who hasn't reached for that big berry deep in the bushes that you just KNOW how good it will taste, and end up getting scratched and tangled and bleeding trying to get there (or get out)? Also, a reminder that we must know the bitter to be able to understand and appreciate the sweet.

 

This next one symbolizes how empty and alone I have felt. How I have been abandoned by him in some of my darkest times, to face death and sorrow alone because he was not capable of extending support and empathy.

But it also symbolizes the ability to become clean - him and me. We can heal. I can heal. My heart can become clean and pure, letting go of this darkness and anger that resides there.

 

The shattered pieces. Even my rock broke.

 

And then I burned...

 

 

 

So although this didn't release the anger that I was thinking it would (doing this while already angry would have been much more effective!), it did help me release some and I learned. I yelled, I cried a bit, and I listened. Things don't always go as planned, and I still had a mess to clean up afterwards. But I am ok. That is what I have learned...I will be ok. I have the ability to clean up messes. I cannot prevent them from happening, and I cannot control when they happen or how big they are. But I have the ability to clean up, find something to smile about (my kids all had a blast baking cookies and were well behaved and happy while I smashed and burned), move forward with my life, and then I can share my experiences with others...finding support, understanding, and possibly even sharing laughs about how smashing dishes doesn't even go as planned sometimes!

 

And at least I didn't set anything else on fire! ;o) Now to eat some of my kids cookies!

Anniversaries

December holds a lot of anniversaries for me. All of which are extremely painful.

The end of my mom's life.

A hugely destructive fire deliberately set by an unknown arsonist.

Major heart surgery for one of my children.

A miscarriage, followed a month later by massive D-day #1 (which means I faced the miscarriage alone because my husband was so deep in the dark and drowning in lies he had no idea how to support me).

Learning from D-day #1 that December was a big month for my husband in his addiction...some of the more painful things he did were in December.

Traumatic surgery (and horrible hospital experience) after the birth of my last baby.

Discovering with major D-day #2 (this past January) that another big (read: escalated and more painful) event with his addiction occurred just a week after my surgery (as I was recovering in bed)...last December.

These are some of the more prominent ones that are floating around in my head and heart everyday. I have been struggling to get into the Christmas Spirit, to feel the peace of the season, the excitement with my children, the joy of celebrating with family. My heart feels heavy and I feel like I have had a little black cloud over my head this entire month. There are reminders all around me of the pain of Decembers past.

But with those memories comes the whispered reminders, "look how far you have come! Look at what you have faced and are still standing and moving forward!" I could have crumbled (permanently). I could have chosen so many other responses instead of taking a deep breath and pushing on toward healing. Looking back, it is clear that I was given strength beyond my own capacity.

I was buoyed up by unseen angels. I know this.

And so although December brings anniversaries of deeply painful experiences, it is also the anniversary of strength; of a time of the ministering of angels in my life. There is no earthly explanation as to how I was able to still function some years.

The explanation comes in the anniversary that most of the world celebrates each December...the birth of Christ. His birth was the beginning of the path that allowed (and continues to allow) me to move forward each day. His birth brings promise of hope, renewal, courage to face difficult roads ahead because it lead to His journey of overcoming ALL. It brings love. His birth brings the ministering of angels.

It was the start of the journey of all of our hope. It provides me with the hope that I can be reunited with my mom (and other loved ones); that when all seems lost, all is not lost; that all can be overcome (including addiction and betrayal trauma) through Him; that healing can occur even when a full restoration cannot be achieved in this life; that when I feel completely alone, I can be surrounded by angels who will lift and love me.

We must know the bitter to fully appreciate and understand the sweet.

Celebrating His birth is the sweet in my December of anniversaries. 

Rounding up with Christ

Recently one of my kids was learning rounding at school. She really struggled with the concept for some reason. She asked for help at school and home. My husband and I each tried to explain it to her in various ways but it just wasn't sinking in for her. Sometimes she would think she understood and then a new problem would send her right back to confusion. A few tears were shed as well as many roars of frustration.

I too have been struggling to figure out an equation. I have been trying to understand what the recovery literature and others have been saying:

A + B does not = C

Meaning: my husband's addiction and betrayal does not mean there is something wrong with me. (ie., my fault...not good enough, pretty enough, etc...). This has been a very hard concept for me to understand. Sometimes I think I get it, but then a new problem (or trigger) will come up that will send me right back into confusion and self doubt.

Here's a problem:
A + B COULD = C. It just depends on the variables. It is possible that my husband could choose the way he does because I am not a good wife or not good enough for him. Reverse the tables and I could choose to leave my marriage if I feel my husband is not doing enough to fight this addiction.

A + B = C (addiction + betrayal = casualties, CrazyTown, crying, corruption, etc.)

I suppose we need to look closer at the variables. What makes a good wife and a desirable wife? Looks? Skills in the bedroom? Skills in the kitchen? What about loyalty, ulnerability, dedication to the marriage, family and God? What about other talents or skills? Personality?

If I have traits that qualify as a good wife, that enhance my husband's life and help him come closer to God, in my opinion, that makes me a good wife. Perfect? Not at all. But when looking at the variables, my good traits out weigh my weaknesses. And not just as a wife, but as a person...me, just on my own. I have to acknowledge that God has blessed me with talents and traits that are honorable and virtuous and valuable. So I am good. I am valuable. I have much to offer. It is possible that it isn't what my husband wants or chooses, but that doesn't change my value. My variables demonstrate I AM good.

Jesus Christ was PERFECT. Without fault, encompassing all that is good. Yet He was/is rejected and betrayed by those who were closest to Him and what He has to offer is not desirable by many. But that does not mean there is something wrong with HIM or what He has to offer. Just because someone (or many) turn their back on Him or choose something other than what He has to offer does not diminish the value of Him or His offerings.

Now, to be very clear...I am not perfect and the good that I do have to offer is not perfect quality either (not to mention the character flaws I have...step 6). But that is where rounding comes in. My best efforts, rounded up with the Atonement of Christ, will allow me to become a Celestial being.

A (the Atomement) + B (my Best efforts) = Celestial Me.


Nowhere in that equation is ANYTHING to do with whether my husband sees value in me or if his choices can change the results and value of me. My worth is connected to Christ. Period. Does it hurt if my husband doesn't choose me? Absolutely. Deeply. The Savior was known to weep and feel pain because of the choices of those He loves (which is all of us). He hurt deeper than I do. But that doesn't change the value!


Truly, when you take Christ out of the equation, you will never get the results you want! Rounding up WITH Christ is always the best deal!