Anniversaries

December holds a lot of anniversaries for me. All of which are extremely painful.

The end of my mom's life.

A hugely destructive fire deliberately set by an unknown arsonist.

Major heart surgery for one of my children.

A miscarriage, followed a month later by massive D-day #1 (which means I faced the miscarriage alone because my husband was so deep in the dark and drowning in lies he had no idea how to support me).

Learning from D-day #1 that December was a big month for my husband in his addiction...some of the more painful things he did were in December.

Traumatic surgery (and horrible hospital experience) after the birth of my last baby.

Discovering with major D-day #2 (this past January) that another big (read: escalated and more painful) event with his addiction occurred just a week after my surgery (as I was recovering in bed)...last December.

These are some of the more prominent ones that are floating around in my head and heart everyday. I have been struggling to get into the Christmas Spirit, to feel the peace of the season, the excitement with my children, the joy of celebrating with family. My heart feels heavy and I feel like I have had a little black cloud over my head this entire month. There are reminders all around me of the pain of Decembers past.

But with those memories comes the whispered reminders, "look how far you have come! Look at what you have faced and are still standing and moving forward!" I could have crumbled (permanently). I could have chosen so many other responses instead of taking a deep breath and pushing on toward healing. Looking back, it is clear that I was given strength beyond my own capacity.

I was buoyed up by unseen angels. I know this.

And so although December brings anniversaries of deeply painful experiences, it is also the anniversary of strength; of a time of the ministering of angels in my life. There is no earthly explanation as to how I was able to still function some years.

The explanation comes in the anniversary that most of the world celebrates each December...the birth of Christ. His birth was the beginning of the path that allowed (and continues to allow) me to move forward each day. His birth brings promise of hope, renewal, courage to face difficult roads ahead because it lead to His journey of overcoming ALL. It brings love. His birth brings the ministering of angels.

It was the start of the journey of all of our hope. It provides me with the hope that I can be reunited with my mom (and other loved ones); that when all seems lost, all is not lost; that all can be overcome (including addiction and betrayal trauma) through Him; that healing can occur even when a full restoration cannot be achieved in this life; that when I feel completely alone, I can be surrounded by angels who will lift and love me.

We must know the bitter to fully appreciate and understand the sweet.

Celebrating His birth is the sweet in my December of anniversaries.