For a long time I felt pity for caterpillars. They're creepy crawly things that can wreak havoc on plants and gardens, they spill their guts when they get squished (not their fault, but still ICK!), their progress is painfully slow (not that I prefer FAST moving creepy crawlers) and that leaves them SO VULNERABLE to predators (other animals or curious children), and they are so limited in their perspective of their world (again, not their fault). They inch their furry fat little bodies over the sticks and branches and bumps of trees. It's not a smooth journey, likely not very comfortable at all.
Sometimes I have even felt like a caterpillar. I spill my guts when I'm hurt (say "verbal diarrhea"), I feel like my progress to become a better ME and also my progress of healing is SO SLOW, I feel so vulnerable to the pain that can be caused by others and my perspective is often so limited. All I can see sometimes is the big bump in front of me or I don't even see what is ahead, I just feel all the scrapes and bruises from my inching along journey. (And I can wreak havoc in my garden and with plants, despite my best efforts. But that's a totally different topic!)
At one point the pain that I felt from the destruction and losses addiction has brought into my life (my husband's and parents') seemed more than I could handle. I felt like locking my heart up in a steel box and not letting anyone have access to it. I wanted to retreat, escape from this big bad world. In the words of the popular show The Vampire Diaries, I wanted to "turn off my humanity"...stop feeling.
But that would be as impossible for me as it would to never blink again. I am a feeler. I feel everything. Once as a child there was an icky flying bug in my room. I screamed and my dad came running in to see what was wrong. When I showed him the source of my terrifying scream, he promptly killed the bug and went to leave my room. He was stopped by my heart wrenching sobs of "you shouldn't have killed it! It might have had a family!" (I have since gotten over my concern for killing bugs).
I feel and I feel deeply.
Which brings me back to the problem of my feeling tired of constant pain and wanting it to stop.
As I pondered on the thought of a steel box to safely (but unrealistically) store and protect my heart, the image of a cocoon came to mind. A safe, quiet place caterpillars create for themselves where they are transformed as individuals and so is their future life.
Butterflies are beautiful, delicate and gentle. They can be colourful or blend in. They are wise, knowing where to find nourishment. They can be independent but also migrate with others. And they are free! Free to fly where and how they want. Their view of the world is magnificent. Yes, they are still vulnerable to predators, but they are a lot harder of a target and they don't allow the possibility of hurt or destruction to limit them and prevent them from soaring.
I would like to be like a butterfly. But in order to transform myself and my life I need to allow myself the quiet time to be safe in my cocoon, to find some refuge and healing. The thing is, regular cocoons are fragile. I want my cocoon to be made of reinforced, stainless steel. The reinforcements come from support around me, working my 12 step healing program, and most of all the Atonement of Christ. The stainless part comes from Him too. I can make a mess, let out a bunch of gunk. But it won't stain and leave a permanent mark because the cleansing power of the Atonement washes it all clean.
And thus is created my reinforced, stainless steel cocoon for my transformation. Where I can safely FEEL and HEAL, and transform to a life of freedom, soaring and enjoying the beautiful vistas of this world.
