Recently I read a great blog post about how the majority of men are involved in regular pornography usage, which means that, for those who are married, there is a majority of wives who are facing this. I too am one in the majority. But my corner in this majority is a really lonely place.
I personally know only one other woman in my entire stake who is also in this majority. I know there are others out there. I read the blogs, I am on a fantastic forum of women fighting this battle everyday. But in my corner of the world, where there are people you can reach out to and phone and hug...there is me, and one other. I am deeply grateful that I know her. Yet because it is just the two of us, it still feels kind of lonely, like we are in this bubble looking out at everyone else who are living normal lives...or who are blissfully ignorant of the problems that are going on. I was there at one point. So was she. Sometimes I wish I could be back there again.
There comes a point each day where my heart cries. Sometimes tears come. Sometimes only me and God know. But everyday it is there. I look at the other women at church and wonder if they are part of this secret majority, and wonder if we would become friends if we knew we shared this life. The ward (congregation) I am a part of has a reputation of being very cliquey and exclusive. Adding the stigma and shame of this addiction, which none of them know we are battling, makes it even more isolating. I KNOW we are not the only ones. I don't know who else it is that is a part of this 70%, but I know they are out there. I wonder if THEY know. My guess is that there may be a small number who do know, who are silently living with heartache and tears, putting on the public happy face, thinking that they are alone. But I also believe that there are many others who are going to have their worlds crash down around them sometime in the future. It is my hope that I can work on my recovery so that I can be in a position to offer them support and strength, and be someone they can turn to. Because I know how much it hurts to feel alone.
My loneliness also runs through my marriage. Finding the balance of detachment and boundaries with connection and love is a challenge. I worry about how my reactions will impact my husband and I don't know what is the healthiest way in various situations. My pain runs so deep and he is not able to heal that for me, and is not a safe place yet to rely on. Living this way feels so lonely.
I want to reach out, seek comfort and support, be understood and validated, GIVE support and validation. Connect. So many factors seem to make this so hard to attain, even when the majority of people around me are facing the same pain.
And then I receive the sweet whisperings of the Spirit reminding me where I can turn...
"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger or malice,
I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
"Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? HE, only One.
"He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end."
- "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" - lds hymn book p129
In the depths of loneliness, surrounded by others, the answers always seem to point back to HIM.
Wednesday 27 November 2013
Thursday 14 November 2013
The secret life of a porn addict's wife
I used to be quite social. I had lots of friends, would chat with or visit people throughout the week, I looked forward to meeting new people and loved making new friends. I wasn't shy to strike up a conversation with someone I didn't know. I had a bubble around me but it felt more like "how many people can I fit inside my bubble?" instead of a bubble to keep people out. Even as a child, if my usual friends weren't available I would open up the phone book and start calling anyone that I knew that I might enjoy spending time with. Sure, I enjoyed time to myself. But I also loved being around others. It filled me up and gave me energy.
Today my world is very different.
To others I may come across as a loner, a stuck up snob, a person who severely lacks in conversation skills, cold, rude, uninviting, antisocial, unapproachable and just unfeeling.
Here's the truth. I am living a secret life. That secret life makes it look like I am all of those things, but that is not me. Really, it isn't. Here's the secret...my husband is a porn and sex addict and, as a result, I've got some major trauma I face every day.
For me, leaving the house when I know I will have to be around other people causes HUGE anxiety. I have to put on full body armor just to feel like I can make it without falling apart around others. Body armor is hard and cold. But it is meant to protect the tender and warm person inside. Right now, I do not know who is safe, and so I feel the need to protect myself from everyone. I want to enjoy the freedom of friendship, but I am so scared to be hurt or to let out my secret.
I see the other moms at the school picking up their kids. They stand in small groups laughing and talking away. Everyday, I stand by myself waiting at my child's classroom door. Occasionally someone will come up and make a comment to me about my baby or one of my kids. But that is it. No one really knows me or anything about me, other than the fact that I always have a ton of kids with me (some mine, some daycare). I am sure it seems I don't want to talk to anyone. But the truth is, I don't know what to say. Right now my life is consumed with taking care of children and trying to heal from betrayal trauma due to my husband's addiction. So even a simple question such as, "so what do you do in your spare time?" is dangerous territory because what I do when I have spare time is work on my 12 step recovery program. I can't say that. My kids are not in any extra curricular activities and so that is not a venue of conversation. There really isn't much else to my life right now. I am not trying to be a snob.
I have at times tried to just turn conversations around to talk about other people. But I realized, that is what my husband has been doing his whole life. A friend of ours recently said to me, "I've known him (husband) for 20 years and I just realized I know very little about him. He is always a great friend to me, willing to listen, be supportive, etc. But he has always turned conversations around to be about me and hasn't let me get to really know him." I just said, "oh. hmmm. Isn't that interesting." She doesn't know my secret either, and she is one of my dearest friends. So as a result of my husband's addiction that stems from his fear of letting people get close to him, I am adopting his same behavior of keeping people out. Sometimes I would rather just avoid conversation than follow in that pattern.
I also have huge anxiety about leaving my house because I know the world is oozing with triggers. There are half naked women everywhere, jokes about sex and pornography and affairs (is that really funny people??), conversations about what people are keeping from their spouses or about how wonderfully perfect their spouse is. There are comments that come out of nowhere about how perfect my life and family seems, that really are laced with barb wires. Or if they are sincere, are based on a false perception. How do I respond when someone says, "oh you have such a wonderful family! You are so blessed and must be so happy!"? It's the same sort of thing when I was in the thick of postpartum depression for the first time...people would come up to me and say "don't you just LOVE being a mother?? Isn't it the best thing EVER??!!" To me, at that time, it was pure misery, sprinkled with the occasional smile. Hearing people talk about how glorious and wonderful marriage is makes me want to scream. So, on goes my armor so that I DON'T scream.
I screamed on facebook the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. There was an article that about 10 of my friends had shared saying how this is the ultimate truth to marriage and how we should be in our marriages. "Only think of your spouse. Love them more. Try harder to make them happy. Their happiness is your number one priority". I ended up in a heated discussion on my wall for 2 days about this because I tried to share that it isn't always healthy to do that (without screaming..."when your husband is an addict, that is the OPPOSITE of what you should do!"). I had people throwing scriptures and talks from church leaders at me, telling me I was selfish and not following God's teachings, how marriage is beautiful, etc. When stuff like that happens, my armor becomes reinforced and glued to me.
I also recently read that when we try and numb feelings, we cannot pick and choose which to numb. Its an all or nothing approach. And so in order to not break down in tears as I stand at the school, or sit in church, or anywhere else I may come across others or triggers, I choose to temporarily numb. And that may seem to others that I am unfeeling, but the truth is, my feelings are so deep and powerful. I am living the opposite of unfeeling.
Now I will admit that if a woman passes by me that looks like half of her wardrobe belongs to her young daughter, there may be some truth to my being angry, cold and antisocial. Right now, because of my trauma, women like that are walking pain to me and I want as little interaction with them as possible.
If you have ever seen the Twilight saga, one of the characters, Jane, has a special power. She can cause even the strongest to writhe in pain on the ground with just her mind. It is only perceived pain. She actually does nothing to them. But they feel it, vividly.
This is how I feel when certain women are around me, and especially if I am with my husband. It is as though they walk past and say "pain", and if I didn't have some sort of armor on, I would be on the ground in agony. Instead, I stand in agony but come across as stone cold. I am sure that most of these women would be fantastic friends and that in another life, when I wasn't brought to my knees by the pain of my husband lusting after other women, we could have some great times together. But today, you are my Jane.
So to those of you who notice me standing alone at the school, or sitting alone in the back corner at church, or not phoning anyone up to get together...please know that it isn't that I have become a cold, antisocial snob who has turned her back on everyone. It is because I am living a secret life as a porn addict's wife, and I haven't figured out how I fit in the world with this new part of my life. Eventually my bubble will grow to include others again. If you are still around when that time comes, I look forward to some great times together!
Today my world is very different.
To others I may come across as a loner, a stuck up snob, a person who severely lacks in conversation skills, cold, rude, uninviting, antisocial, unapproachable and just unfeeling.
Here's the truth. I am living a secret life. That secret life makes it look like I am all of those things, but that is not me. Really, it isn't. Here's the secret...my husband is a porn and sex addict and, as a result, I've got some major trauma I face every day.
For me, leaving the house when I know I will have to be around other people causes HUGE anxiety. I have to put on full body armor just to feel like I can make it without falling apart around others. Body armor is hard and cold. But it is meant to protect the tender and warm person inside. Right now, I do not know who is safe, and so I feel the need to protect myself from everyone. I want to enjoy the freedom of friendship, but I am so scared to be hurt or to let out my secret.
I see the other moms at the school picking up their kids. They stand in small groups laughing and talking away. Everyday, I stand by myself waiting at my child's classroom door. Occasionally someone will come up and make a comment to me about my baby or one of my kids. But that is it. No one really knows me or anything about me, other than the fact that I always have a ton of kids with me (some mine, some daycare). I am sure it seems I don't want to talk to anyone. But the truth is, I don't know what to say. Right now my life is consumed with taking care of children and trying to heal from betrayal trauma due to my husband's addiction. So even a simple question such as, "so what do you do in your spare time?" is dangerous territory because what I do when I have spare time is work on my 12 step recovery program. I can't say that. My kids are not in any extra curricular activities and so that is not a venue of conversation. There really isn't much else to my life right now. I am not trying to be a snob.
I have at times tried to just turn conversations around to talk about other people. But I realized, that is what my husband has been doing his whole life. A friend of ours recently said to me, "I've known him (husband) for 20 years and I just realized I know very little about him. He is always a great friend to me, willing to listen, be supportive, etc. But he has always turned conversations around to be about me and hasn't let me get to really know him." I just said, "oh. hmmm. Isn't that interesting." She doesn't know my secret either, and she is one of my dearest friends. So as a result of my husband's addiction that stems from his fear of letting people get close to him, I am adopting his same behavior of keeping people out. Sometimes I would rather just avoid conversation than follow in that pattern.
I also have huge anxiety about leaving my house because I know the world is oozing with triggers. There are half naked women everywhere, jokes about sex and pornography and affairs (is that really funny people??), conversations about what people are keeping from their spouses or about how wonderfully perfect their spouse is. There are comments that come out of nowhere about how perfect my life and family seems, that really are laced with barb wires. Or if they are sincere, are based on a false perception. How do I respond when someone says, "oh you have such a wonderful family! You are so blessed and must be so happy!"? It's the same sort of thing when I was in the thick of postpartum depression for the first time...people would come up to me and say "don't you just LOVE being a mother?? Isn't it the best thing EVER??!!" To me, at that time, it was pure misery, sprinkled with the occasional smile. Hearing people talk about how glorious and wonderful marriage is makes me want to scream. So, on goes my armor so that I DON'T scream.
I screamed on facebook the other day. I couldn't take it anymore. There was an article that about 10 of my friends had shared saying how this is the ultimate truth to marriage and how we should be in our marriages. "Only think of your spouse. Love them more. Try harder to make them happy. Their happiness is your number one priority". I ended up in a heated discussion on my wall for 2 days about this because I tried to share that it isn't always healthy to do that (without screaming..."when your husband is an addict, that is the OPPOSITE of what you should do!"). I had people throwing scriptures and talks from church leaders at me, telling me I was selfish and not following God's teachings, how marriage is beautiful, etc. When stuff like that happens, my armor becomes reinforced and glued to me.
I also recently read that when we try and numb feelings, we cannot pick and choose which to numb. Its an all or nothing approach. And so in order to not break down in tears as I stand at the school, or sit in church, or anywhere else I may come across others or triggers, I choose to temporarily numb. And that may seem to others that I am unfeeling, but the truth is, my feelings are so deep and powerful. I am living the opposite of unfeeling.
Now I will admit that if a woman passes by me that looks like half of her wardrobe belongs to her young daughter, there may be some truth to my being angry, cold and antisocial. Right now, because of my trauma, women like that are walking pain to me and I want as little interaction with them as possible.
If you have ever seen the Twilight saga, one of the characters, Jane, has a special power. She can cause even the strongest to writhe in pain on the ground with just her mind. It is only perceived pain. She actually does nothing to them. But they feel it, vividly.
This is how I feel when certain women are around me, and especially if I am with my husband. It is as though they walk past and say "pain", and if I didn't have some sort of armor on, I would be on the ground in agony. Instead, I stand in agony but come across as stone cold. I am sure that most of these women would be fantastic friends and that in another life, when I wasn't brought to my knees by the pain of my husband lusting after other women, we could have some great times together. But today, you are my Jane.
So to those of you who notice me standing alone at the school, or sitting alone in the back corner at church, or not phoning anyone up to get together...please know that it isn't that I have become a cold, antisocial snob who has turned her back on everyone. It is because I am living a secret life as a porn addict's wife, and I haven't figured out how I fit in the world with this new part of my life. Eventually my bubble will grow to include others again. If you are still around when that time comes, I look forward to some great times together!
Tuesday 12 November 2013
Shame, Shame, SHAME
Have you ever seen someone being publicly shamed? Someone pointing a finger very close to their face and saying phrases over and over again like, "how could you DO that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done??" Meanwhile, the person being shamed shrinks lower and lower. Sometimes you can physically see them get smaller. Eyes cast downward, shoulders slumped, shallow breathing, hands hanging lifelessly by their side or frantically wringing their hands behind their back. It is a heart wrenching sight.
This is happening to me. Just not publicly.
I recently was working on my Addo Recovery program and one of the assignments was to write my story. I went deeper with this writing than I had ever before. I hadn't even shared all these details with my counsellor. And while it felt good to get my story out, it brought up some deep emotions - namely, shame.
I think back to the first time I found porn in my home. It was a magazine in my husband's bedside table. I found it completely by chance as I was looking for something else face down, under a small crate of tools. My husband is not a reader, so it was very strange to see a magazine in there, but I was going to just ignore it and keep looking for whatever it was I went there for originally. Something on the back cover caught my attention enough to make me pull it out and see what it was. I was stunned. My brain actually began to misfire. If I had pulled out a baby unicorn, my brain would have had the same reaction. "It is not physically possible for me to be holding THIS magazine that I found in HIS bed side table. NOT POSSIBLE."
Yet there it was. In my hands. In my cold and trembling hands.
Then something clicked in my brain and I hid the magazine and went looking for my husband. I asked him about "a magazine" and he seemed clueless. Then I said WHAT magazine and he acted completely dumbfounded, claiming he had no idea where it came from and that it was NOT his. Part of me inside was saying, "of course it isn't his! He isn't like that." But the other part of the brain, that had just started to work again, said "how could it NOT be his?"
He gave me one suggestion of where it may have come from. I didn't believe it. That seemed just as ridiculous. I dropped it for a bit, took the magazine outside and ripped it up and burned it in my driveway. I was shaking and my mind was spinning. A few days later I brought it up again because it just wasn't sitting right with me and I had to know where it came from. Then my husband suggested another possibility. I will not get into it here...but I will say, it was a story line you would find in a movie. I remember just staring at him and asking, "really?" He said, "I don't know. Maybe. I just know it isn't mine." He asked me multiple times to believe him, promising it wasn't his. As I think back to that time, there was almost desperation in his pleading.
So, I decided to believe him. I don't know why. And believing him led me down a road of paranoia. To believe this lie meant we were not safe. And I started jumping at every sound in and out of our house and began looking for a new, "safe" place to live. I later found out the truth, of course.
But this is where I have wrestled. I have stuffed that experience way down and tried not to look at it. Writing my story brought it up and flooded me with shame. "How could you BELIEVE that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done?? You are so stupid! So gullible! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! So much for that intelligence you have liked about yourself all your life...that doesn't exist anymore." With each slam of shame, my breathing would get shallower, shoulders would hunch and I had a hard time looking myself (or my husband) in the eye. Sometimes I felt lifeless. Sometimes I frantically would wring my hands. I have also come to believe that my husband will never take me seriously again because I was so dumb to believe such a flagrant lie. And how do I move forward in my healing and rebuilding of our relationship when I am so fearful of being duped again? I don't want to feel that awful humiliation again.
Shame, shame, SHAME!
So, as with every other emotion that my recovery work brings up, I have the option of shoving it back where it came from or facing it head on and trying to heal it. But how do you heal shame? Do I just rationalize it away? I don't think so.
I did a search online about shame and have learned a few things. I found some wisdom from Brene Brown. I love her! She is one of my new favorite people. I found two great clips here and here and here. This is some of what stood out to me:
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 things to grow exponentially...secrecy, silence and judgement. It will creep into every crevice of your life and shape your life. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it cannot survive. Shame cannot survive being spoken."
"Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I'm alone."
"Shame breeds fear, blame and disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"The less you talk about it, the more you got it."
I also found a clip that talks about "6 types of people who do not deserve to hear your shame story". Do we have people in our lives who we can share our story with and will sit with us in that pain, hold us through that journey? Do I? Is there someone in my life who has earned the right to hear my story? I'm not sure. I want to create a relationship like that.
Courage is telling our story from our heart. The way to get out from under shame is to tell our story.
So right now, by typing this blog post, I am turning the tables on my shame. When that monster (that looks like me, but is really shame) rears its head waving the finger in my face, I will take a breath and douse myself with empathy, understanding and love. I was vulnerable, I got burned. Yes. I may have responded by believing because I was afraid to face the truth or maybe I was inspired to give him a chance (multiple chances) to be honest. Whatever the reason, it is a part of my story and is some of the thread in the tapestry that makes me who I am today. I will look myself in the eye and say, "it's ok that you believed. I know it hurts. I love you."
Bam! Suckerpunch!...shame is KO!
This is happening to me. Just not publicly.
I recently was working on my Addo Recovery program and one of the assignments was to write my story. I went deeper with this writing than I had ever before. I hadn't even shared all these details with my counsellor. And while it felt good to get my story out, it brought up some deep emotions - namely, shame.
I think back to the first time I found porn in my home. It was a magazine in my husband's bedside table. I found it completely by chance as I was looking for something else face down, under a small crate of tools. My husband is not a reader, so it was very strange to see a magazine in there, but I was going to just ignore it and keep looking for whatever it was I went there for originally. Something on the back cover caught my attention enough to make me pull it out and see what it was. I was stunned. My brain actually began to misfire. If I had pulled out a baby unicorn, my brain would have had the same reaction. "It is not physically possible for me to be holding THIS magazine that I found in HIS bed side table. NOT POSSIBLE."
Yet there it was. In my hands. In my cold and trembling hands.
Then something clicked in my brain and I hid the magazine and went looking for my husband. I asked him about "a magazine" and he seemed clueless. Then I said WHAT magazine and he acted completely dumbfounded, claiming he had no idea where it came from and that it was NOT his. Part of me inside was saying, "of course it isn't his! He isn't like that." But the other part of the brain, that had just started to work again, said "how could it NOT be his?"
He gave me one suggestion of where it may have come from. I didn't believe it. That seemed just as ridiculous. I dropped it for a bit, took the magazine outside and ripped it up and burned it in my driveway. I was shaking and my mind was spinning. A few days later I brought it up again because it just wasn't sitting right with me and I had to know where it came from. Then my husband suggested another possibility. I will not get into it here...but I will say, it was a story line you would find in a movie. I remember just staring at him and asking, "really?" He said, "I don't know. Maybe. I just know it isn't mine." He asked me multiple times to believe him, promising it wasn't his. As I think back to that time, there was almost desperation in his pleading.
So, I decided to believe him. I don't know why. And believing him led me down a road of paranoia. To believe this lie meant we were not safe. And I started jumping at every sound in and out of our house and began looking for a new, "safe" place to live. I later found out the truth, of course.
But this is where I have wrestled. I have stuffed that experience way down and tried not to look at it. Writing my story brought it up and flooded me with shame. "How could you BELIEVE that?! What were you THINKING?! WERE you even thinking AT ALL? Do you have a functioning brain? Do you understand...have ANY IDEA...even the slightest hint of what you have done?? You are so stupid! So gullible! YOU ARE AN IDIOT! So much for that intelligence you have liked about yourself all your life...that doesn't exist anymore." With each slam of shame, my breathing would get shallower, shoulders would hunch and I had a hard time looking myself (or my husband) in the eye. Sometimes I felt lifeless. Sometimes I frantically would wring my hands. I have also come to believe that my husband will never take me seriously again because I was so dumb to believe such a flagrant lie. And how do I move forward in my healing and rebuilding of our relationship when I am so fearful of being duped again? I don't want to feel that awful humiliation again.
Shame, shame, SHAME!
So, as with every other emotion that my recovery work brings up, I have the option of shoving it back where it came from or facing it head on and trying to heal it. But how do you heal shame? Do I just rationalize it away? I don't think so.
I did a search online about shame and have learned a few things. I found some wisdom from Brene Brown. I love her! She is one of my new favorite people. I found two great clips here and here and here. This is some of what stood out to me:
"Empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a petri dish, it needs 3 things to grow exponentially...secrecy, silence and judgement. It will creep into every crevice of your life and shape your life. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it cannot survive. Shame cannot survive being spoken."
"Shame depends on me buying into the belief that I'm alone."
"Shame breeds fear, blame and disconnection."
"Shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging."
"The less you talk about it, the more you got it."
I also found a clip that talks about "6 types of people who do not deserve to hear your shame story". Do we have people in our lives who we can share our story with and will sit with us in that pain, hold us through that journey? Do I? Is there someone in my life who has earned the right to hear my story? I'm not sure. I want to create a relationship like that.
Courage is telling our story from our heart. The way to get out from under shame is to tell our story.
So right now, by typing this blog post, I am turning the tables on my shame. When that monster (that looks like me, but is really shame) rears its head waving the finger in my face, I will take a breath and douse myself with empathy, understanding and love. I was vulnerable, I got burned. Yes. I may have responded by believing because I was afraid to face the truth or maybe I was inspired to give him a chance (multiple chances) to be honest. Whatever the reason, it is a part of my story and is some of the thread in the tapestry that makes me who I am today. I will look myself in the eye and say, "it's ok that you believed. I know it hurts. I love you."
Bam! Suckerpunch!...shame is KO!
Friday 1 November 2013
Character Weaknesses - Part 1
I have more to say about my experiences with character weaknesses, but for today, this is part 1 that is on my mind....
In the 12 step phone in group I attend, we recently read step 6 in the LDS ARP manual, and it talks about over coming our character weaknesses. It felt like kind of an intense step because most of the time it seems my character weaknesses are blaringly right in front of my face. I look at them and agonize over them every day. I have come to believe that one of those character weaknesses is that I do not spend nearly enough time looking at my character strengths. Constantly beating ourselves up about our flaws is not the way God intends us to address our weaknesses.
However, every now and then I am faced with a situation where my character weaknesses take hold and I dig my heels in and completely justify my behavior or reaction. I tell myself, "you have every right to respond this way! In this case it isn't a weakness, it is an expected reaction to the situation." This happened to me this morning. I was faced with a situation with my in-laws where it tested what is already a weakness of mine.
I am not really a generous person. Because I live in so much fear of more loss, I have a hard time giving (time or things) if I am in a state of perceived shortage or struggling. I go into a mode of "my precious, my precious", trying desperately not to lose anything else. Now, on the flip side, my heart does desire to be generous. I just really struggle at it. And when I have been hurt by someone, it is WAY harder for me to be willing to give anything to them.
I have been hurt deeply by my in-laws. DEEPLY. My contact with them is pretty much non-existent at this point. They never call our house anymore, even to talk to our kids. They only have contact with my husband when he is at work, so as to not cross paths with me. We are in a very hard financial situation in our family right now and I had my husband approach them recently and ask if we could have some help so we could try and dig out of some of the debt we are drowning in and for some basic living. We proposed a plan and they said no. And it isn't because they don't have the means to help.
So this morning, the phone rings and it is the in-laws. My husband was home at the time and he talked with them. They were calling asking for some help. They wanted him to drive around meeting one of them and then the other to deliver something that neither of them had time to do themselves. He was supposed to leave for work in about 20 minutes. He agreed to do it, as he always does (he is generous with his/our time and money...sometimes to a fault).
My weaknesses were ROARING! "Why should we help them, when they wouldn't help us? Why can't they do this themselves? Why are their appointments more important than our need for an income (opening the store on time)? Why should we spend this money on gas and parking when they wouldn't help us?" and on and on and on it went. I tried not to ROAR at my husband. I explained my feelings and he pointed out that they have helped us many other times in different ways. I was in such a state that I could not see how they have. He quietly (yay for him overcoming his weakness in that moment and not biting off my head as he usually would!) reminded me of some times when they have helped. I was humbled and apologized to him.
And then I found out that he was an hour and a half late for work (because the list of favors kept growing) instead of the 45 minutes I originally thought. His work is a store we own...so the store was an hour and a half late opening.
ROAR! GRRR! HIIISSSSS!
How quickly the weaknesses return!
"This change of heart or desire is the purpose of step 6. "How?" you may cry. "How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?" Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life - maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions." (ARP manual, step 6.)
I know I need to change this about myself. But right now I just feel really grumpy about it. I don't want to be generous to people who have hurt me repeatedly.
But, Jesus Christ, our Example, gave EVERYTHING for all of us - not despite the pain He experienced, but BECAUSE of the pain He experienced - so that we can overcome our weaknesses and have a more full and beautiful life - here and beyond. He KNOWS what it feels like to be betrayed, lied about, abused, shamed, and abandoned. He didn't say, "I will only pay the price for those who are always kind and loving to me." If anything, His kindness extends even deeper to those who did hurt him.
"Give to him that asketh the, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, hate thine enemy.
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you;
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:42-48 , 3 Nephi 12:42-48)
Sometimes, being a disciple of Jesus Christ is just down right tough. Worth it, but tough!
In the 12 step phone in group I attend, we recently read step 6 in the LDS ARP manual, and it talks about over coming our character weaknesses. It felt like kind of an intense step because most of the time it seems my character weaknesses are blaringly right in front of my face. I look at them and agonize over them every day. I have come to believe that one of those character weaknesses is that I do not spend nearly enough time looking at my character strengths. Constantly beating ourselves up about our flaws is not the way God intends us to address our weaknesses.
However, every now and then I am faced with a situation where my character weaknesses take hold and I dig my heels in and completely justify my behavior or reaction. I tell myself, "you have every right to respond this way! In this case it isn't a weakness, it is an expected reaction to the situation." This happened to me this morning. I was faced with a situation with my in-laws where it tested what is already a weakness of mine.
I am not really a generous person. Because I live in so much fear of more loss, I have a hard time giving (time or things) if I am in a state of perceived shortage or struggling. I go into a mode of "my precious, my precious", trying desperately not to lose anything else. Now, on the flip side, my heart does desire to be generous. I just really struggle at it. And when I have been hurt by someone, it is WAY harder for me to be willing to give anything to them.
I have been hurt deeply by my in-laws. DEEPLY. My contact with them is pretty much non-existent at this point. They never call our house anymore, even to talk to our kids. They only have contact with my husband when he is at work, so as to not cross paths with me. We are in a very hard financial situation in our family right now and I had my husband approach them recently and ask if we could have some help so we could try and dig out of some of the debt we are drowning in and for some basic living. We proposed a plan and they said no. And it isn't because they don't have the means to help.
So this morning, the phone rings and it is the in-laws. My husband was home at the time and he talked with them. They were calling asking for some help. They wanted him to drive around meeting one of them and then the other to deliver something that neither of them had time to do themselves. He was supposed to leave for work in about 20 minutes. He agreed to do it, as he always does (he is generous with his/our time and money...sometimes to a fault).
My weaknesses were ROARING! "Why should we help them, when they wouldn't help us? Why can't they do this themselves? Why are their appointments more important than our need for an income (opening the store on time)? Why should we spend this money on gas and parking when they wouldn't help us?" and on and on and on it went. I tried not to ROAR at my husband. I explained my feelings and he pointed out that they have helped us many other times in different ways. I was in such a state that I could not see how they have. He quietly (yay for him overcoming his weakness in that moment and not biting off my head as he usually would!) reminded me of some times when they have helped. I was humbled and apologized to him.
And then I found out that he was an hour and a half late for work (because the list of favors kept growing) instead of the 45 minutes I originally thought. His work is a store we own...so the store was an hour and a half late opening.
ROAR! GRRR! HIIISSSSS!
How quickly the weaknesses return!
"This change of heart or desire is the purpose of step 6. "How?" you may cry. "How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?" Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing and confessing your character weaknesses in steps 4 and 5 did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life - maybe even more so now that you have let go of your addictions." (ARP manual, step 6.)
I know I need to change this about myself. But right now I just feel really grumpy about it. I don't want to be generous to people who have hurt me repeatedly.
But, Jesus Christ, our Example, gave EVERYTHING for all of us - not despite the pain He experienced, but BECAUSE of the pain He experienced - so that we can overcome our weaknesses and have a more full and beautiful life - here and beyond. He KNOWS what it feels like to be betrayed, lied about, abused, shamed, and abandoned. He didn't say, "I will only pay the price for those who are always kind and loving to me." If anything, His kindness extends even deeper to those who did hurt him.
"Give to him that asketh the, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
"Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, hate thine enemy.
"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you;
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
"For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye?
"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." (Matthew 5:42-48 , 3 Nephi 12:42-48)
Sometimes, being a disciple of Jesus Christ is just down right tough. Worth it, but tough!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)