Addicted to FEAR

You know those jobs around the house that you put off and put off because they are so big and potentially require making a bigger mess in order to tackle the job? Cleaning out the garage or a storage closet, sorting through multiple children's multiple season and multiple size clothing, cutting down wild blackberry bushes that are threatening (or succeeding) to take over the back deck....you know the ones. They call at you repeatedly, 'I know you know I'm here. You can't ignore me forever. Hey you! Nudge nudge. I know you can hear me! Come on, don't be scared." I have those all around my house. But I also have them inside me.

Whether it is a weakness I know I need to dedicate more time to overcoming or something I need to repent of, spiritual house cleaning is a regular part of all of our lives. With the journey of recovery for us as spouses (and children) of addicts, there is a lot that calls to us for some cleaning and work. One of those things for me right now that is getting louder and louder is the fear inventory in step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual. For that we are supposed to write a list of all of our fears - ALL of them - and then with each one we are to write how we know we will be ok even if it happens because the Lord will sustain and support us.

To me, this is a bigger job than any chore calling my name around my house. This is bigger than 3 garages. Number one on the list would be "I am afraid to write my fear inventory because of the mess I think it will make when I pull out and look at all of the other things I fear." I have stopped working on my program with HTC for awhile because I was scared to do this step. I told myself for awhile that I have to do everything in order in the book, and if I get stuck on something then I need to stay with that until I can move through it. But I was stuck for a long time. And then I stopped working my program because I just was too scared to do that step. It feels SO BIG. Recently though, as more disclosures or "finds" have happened in my marriage I have really needed to dive back into my healing program. So, I changed my opinion and just skipped past that scary part of the fear inventory. I felt good as I worked on the other parts of the step. But I still hear it calling to me. "Don't forget about me. You need to face me. I am a part of this program for a reason. HEY YOU!!! I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M STILL HERE!" Sigh.

But I am scared. Really scared. I have SO many fears. I have lived in fear most of my life. So the thought of even just taking the time to write those down is a bit daunting. Not to mention the energy that it will require to open that can of worms and look at each wiggly one and give it a name. It is so much easier (or so I tell myself) to keep them out of focus, stuffed in a can (or storage locker the size of an airplane hanger) off to the side where they can just keep each other company, and try and continue on with my life. But the problem with these fear worms is that unless they are dealt with, they just wiggle and squirm, causing trouble even when I am not paying attention to them.

And so today as I was driving, I thought about them again and knew I had to face them. But then I had a new perspective as I pondered on why I was hiding from them even though I knew I would heal faster if I faced them.

I think I am addicted to fear.

In pretty much every situation I face in my life, big or small, I look for what I can fear. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom...I do a visual sweep of the room, especially near where I will be, looking for spiders. I'm terrified of spiders. So I am always on the lookout for them. I can become paralyzed trying to make decisions because of fear. As a child I used to constantly ask "what if". I drove my parents crazy. I remember one day driving down the road and after a barrage of "what if" questions, I asked my dad, "what if that telephone pole broke and fell down on top of our car right as we drove under it?" That was the end of the conversation. He told me I couldn't talk again until we got to wherever we were going. The strange thing about that conversation is that I don't actually remember feeling scared about the possibility of our car being crushed by a telephone pole. I was just investigating whether that should be feared or not.

Sometimes looking for what is to fear is a wise thing and can provide safety. Other times it is just a direct path into CrazyTown. If we look at the definition of addiction as a behavior that one repeatedly chooses, even when it is detrimental to their own well being or the well being of their loved ones, and has negative consequences, yet they can't seem to stop doing it....that fits the bill with me and fear. I seek it out even though I know it isn't helping...even though I know it is causing harm. And I dwell on it, over and over again. But the CrazyTown part is that I'm not looking to let it go. And I'm rarely willing to listen to suggestions on how to let it go. Sometimes I don't even WANT to let it go. Fear is familiar to me. I have learned how to function in fear (sort of). When I feel safe and don't feel the constant beating drum of my fears, I become scared that something big is going to come along and give me something new to be afraid of. Then I become afraid of the unknown, and back into my familiar, fear-filled cycles I go. So I guess another fear added to my list is that I'm afraid to learn to live without fear.

"Hello, old friend. You are a pest to have around, but you are familiar....so I will let you stay."

The second part of the fear inventory rarely comes into my consideration...the part that says I am to acknowledge that God will support me even if that happens. Stop and consider that statement. Even if my fear comes to pass...God will support and help me through that. There is power in that statement. He knows exactly how to overcome fears and exactly how to heal and help me when my fears actually happen.

HE KNOWS HOW! And He wants to help!

So what am I going to do about this? Well, just like every other path of healing from addiction...I will take it one step at a time, recognizing what I cannot control...not fearing it, but trusting God will take care of it. One spiritual squat at a time. Look at what I can control - I can start by writing down one or two fears each day AND acknowledge that GOD WILL SUSTAIN ME EVEN IF IT HAPPENS. If I get brave, I can look at more. Line upon line.

Isn't it interesting that an exercise in facing our fears is in the step about trusting God???

Spiritual squats

The other day I bent over to pick something up off the floor and my legs almost gave out from under me. I had no idea why my legs felt so weak. A little while later (and many times bending over to pick something up...an occupational hazard as a mother) I remembered that a day or two before my family had gone to clean our church building. One of the jobs I had was to clean both sides of all the glass doors. It is a big building, and there are a LOT of glass doors. My 8 year old joined me on this task and we did a lot of squats as we cleaned and dried up and down the doors. Occasionally, well, more than occasionally we had to redo a door because one of my younger kids would come running up and see me on the other side of the door and plaster their handprint on the glass to say hi. It is not a stretch to say in the space of about an hour, I cleaned almost every door at least twice.

That's a lot of squats. My body for two days afterwards proclaimed, "I protesteth!"

At the strangest times, even just standing still, one of my quads would give way and my legs would buckle. I was wobbly, my balance was a bit off and there was definite discomfort. But, knowing what I do about our physical bodies, my legs actually GAINED strength from that exercise. If I keep it up (which sad to say I'm not inclined to continue doing a bunch of squats everyday), my muscles will become stronger, my balance will improve and I will not experience the same discomfort...until I push myself beyond my comfort zone again.

This got me to thinking...

In my 12 step group for spouses of addicts, this week we read step 3. It is all about trusting in God. This is one area I have struggled with from the time I joined the church 17 years ago. Some stages in my life it has been more of a struggle than others. Discovering the multiple betrayals by my husband deeply impacted my ability to trust ANYONE. Including myself. I felt everyone, including myself, had let me down. I had no idea how to just trust God and give Him my burden to carry. It sounded so easy, so simple.

I tried to visualize the words "my trust" written on a pretty piece of paper and wrapped up in a present with a bow that I handed to the Lord. I tried to visualize myself kneeling at his feet and asking Him to take it. I said it multiple times in prayer..."God, I give this to you. Please take it and take care of me."

I noticed no difference. I still felt distant and alone. It was as if I was on the other side of the glass door and couldn't access Him or hear Him. I knew He was there, busily working. But I couldn't seem to get to Him. Every now and then I could sense a small wave or smile from the other side of the glass letting me know He sees me too. But it was still so frustrating to not be able to get to Him.

I am sure that I have left many of my own hand prints on the glass as I tried to get to Him or even as I have tried to work "with" Him. And almost every time, He would have had to clean off my smudges as I fumble my way along.

So how is it done? How do I come to trust Him? If that is essential to my growth and healing - which I know it is - how do I do it?

One spiritual squat at a time.

My little children do not have the physical strength to spend an hour doing squats cleaning windows. They would tire out before we were even half way done. I know this, and because I know their ability, I do not expect them to do that job on their own. They were given smaller tasks suited to their strengths, abilities, height and attention span.

God does not expect me (or anyone else) to be able to do more than we are capable. Yes, we are expected to stretch. But there is a limit to that as well. If we stretch for too long or too far, we will injure ourselves. He is not asking me to give Him my complete trust right now. He knows I am not capable of doing that. But He is asking me to give all I can. To stretch. To work up a bit of a sweat. To be willing to have wobbly legs.

Here are some ways I do spiritual squats:
-pray, even or ESPECIALLY when it is hard.
-read my scriptures, even or ESPECIALLY when it's hard...and look for evidence in the scriptures of how others have trusted God and how He blessed them.

Nephi is an amazing example of this. He was willing to try - "And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." 1Ne 3:7. He trusted that God would lead him, even when he didn't know the way: "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." 1Ne 4:6. He was obedient, following the promptings he received, even though it was hard....VERY HARD: "Therefore I did obey the voice of the Spirit." 1Ne 4:18.

-look for tender mercies from God in my life and show gratitude for those gifts.
-testify to others of how God has blessed me.
-express a desire to trust...or even a desire to WANT to trust and ask God to build on that.
-look at and learn from past experiences where I have tried and was successful and was not successful. Ask God to teach me what happened in each situation. Don't beat myself up for when I wasn't successful. Learn from it.
-act on promptings or impressions I receive, even if I'm not sure. The ONLY way to learn the difference between my voice, the voice of the Spirit or "other" voices, is by experience. I can use the knowledge we have been given about how the Spirit works to try and decipher the source of my impression. But the only real test (so far as I have learned) is to act.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." Moroni 7:16 "And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ." Moroni 7:24.

And if I find I followed the wrong voice? Well, God has an amazing glass cleaner that can remove any smudge I leave. He can even repair the entire glass if I really mess up and break it.

God teaches us line up on line. That is how the Savior learned as well. I can learn to trust Him line upon line, baby step by baby step. Squat by squat.

Yes, it is hard. VERY HARD. But we can do hard things. We can do ALL THINGS with Christ. We don't have to do this alone. He doesn't want us to do this alone. That is not His plan. His plan is for us to try, to get wobbly legs, get off balance, FALL OVER, and then, using the strength we have built up in our spiritual legs by the exercises we have already done that build our strength, TAKE THE LORD'S HAND, and try again. Each time gaining strength, courage and stability.

Occasionally we will fall and have a hard time getting back up again. Sometimes we are just so TIRED. He will wait for us, as we spend a bit of time on our knees (or flat on our face on the ground) resting, praying, regaining our courage and belief in ourselves, and allowing His power to restore us with enough strength to lift our leg. Just one leg at a time.

That is how I am coming to trust God.