Addicted to FEAR

You know those jobs around the house that you put off and put off because they are so big and potentially require making a bigger mess in order to tackle the job? Cleaning out the garage or a storage closet, sorting through multiple children's multiple season and multiple size clothing, cutting down wild blackberry bushes that are threatening (or succeeding) to take over the back deck....you know the ones. They call at you repeatedly, 'I know you know I'm here. You can't ignore me forever. Hey you! Nudge nudge. I know you can hear me! Come on, don't be scared." I have those all around my house. But I also have them inside me.

Whether it is a weakness I know I need to dedicate more time to overcoming or something I need to repent of, spiritual house cleaning is a regular part of all of our lives. With the journey of recovery for us as spouses (and children) of addicts, there is a lot that calls to us for some cleaning and work. One of those things for me right now that is getting louder and louder is the fear inventory in step 3 in the Healing Through Christ manual. For that we are supposed to write a list of all of our fears - ALL of them - and then with each one we are to write how we know we will be ok even if it happens because the Lord will sustain and support us.

To me, this is a bigger job than any chore calling my name around my house. This is bigger than 3 garages. Number one on the list would be "I am afraid to write my fear inventory because of the mess I think it will make when I pull out and look at all of the other things I fear." I have stopped working on my program with HTC for awhile because I was scared to do this step. I told myself for awhile that I have to do everything in order in the book, and if I get stuck on something then I need to stay with that until I can move through it. But I was stuck for a long time. And then I stopped working my program because I just was too scared to do that step. It feels SO BIG. Recently though, as more disclosures or "finds" have happened in my marriage I have really needed to dive back into my healing program. So, I changed my opinion and just skipped past that scary part of the fear inventory. I felt good as I worked on the other parts of the step. But I still hear it calling to me. "Don't forget about me. You need to face me. I am a part of this program for a reason. HEY YOU!!! I KNOW YOU KNOW I'M STILL HERE!" Sigh.

But I am scared. Really scared. I have SO many fears. I have lived in fear most of my life. So the thought of even just taking the time to write those down is a bit daunting. Not to mention the energy that it will require to open that can of worms and look at each wiggly one and give it a name. It is so much easier (or so I tell myself) to keep them out of focus, stuffed in a can (or storage locker the size of an airplane hanger) off to the side where they can just keep each other company, and try and continue on with my life. But the problem with these fear worms is that unless they are dealt with, they just wiggle and squirm, causing trouble even when I am not paying attention to them.

And so today as I was driving, I thought about them again and knew I had to face them. But then I had a new perspective as I pondered on why I was hiding from them even though I knew I would heal faster if I faced them.

I think I am addicted to fear.

In pretty much every situation I face in my life, big or small, I look for what I can fear. Even something as simple as going to the bathroom...I do a visual sweep of the room, especially near where I will be, looking for spiders. I'm terrified of spiders. So I am always on the lookout for them. I can become paralyzed trying to make decisions because of fear. As a child I used to constantly ask "what if". I drove my parents crazy. I remember one day driving down the road and after a barrage of "what if" questions, I asked my dad, "what if that telephone pole broke and fell down on top of our car right as we drove under it?" That was the end of the conversation. He told me I couldn't talk again until we got to wherever we were going. The strange thing about that conversation is that I don't actually remember feeling scared about the possibility of our car being crushed by a telephone pole. I was just investigating whether that should be feared or not.

Sometimes looking for what is to fear is a wise thing and can provide safety. Other times it is just a direct path into CrazyTown. If we look at the definition of addiction as a behavior that one repeatedly chooses, even when it is detrimental to their own well being or the well being of their loved ones, and has negative consequences, yet they can't seem to stop doing it....that fits the bill with me and fear. I seek it out even though I know it isn't helping...even though I know it is causing harm. And I dwell on it, over and over again. But the CrazyTown part is that I'm not looking to let it go. And I'm rarely willing to listen to suggestions on how to let it go. Sometimes I don't even WANT to let it go. Fear is familiar to me. I have learned how to function in fear (sort of). When I feel safe and don't feel the constant beating drum of my fears, I become scared that something big is going to come along and give me something new to be afraid of. Then I become afraid of the unknown, and back into my familiar, fear-filled cycles I go. So I guess another fear added to my list is that I'm afraid to learn to live without fear.

"Hello, old friend. You are a pest to have around, but you are familiar....so I will let you stay."

The second part of the fear inventory rarely comes into my consideration...the part that says I am to acknowledge that God will support me even if that happens. Stop and consider that statement. Even if my fear comes to pass...God will support and help me through that. There is power in that statement. He knows exactly how to overcome fears and exactly how to heal and help me when my fears actually happen.

HE KNOWS HOW! And He wants to help!

So what am I going to do about this? Well, just like every other path of healing from addiction...I will take it one step at a time, recognizing what I cannot control...not fearing it, but trusting God will take care of it. One spiritual squat at a time. Look at what I can control - I can start by writing down one or two fears each day AND acknowledge that GOD WILL SUSTAIN ME EVEN IF IT HAPPENS. If I get brave, I can look at more. Line upon line.

Isn't it interesting that an exercise in facing our fears is in the step about trusting God???