Smashed and burned

So I was given a very nice gift today. The bishop's wife and daughters took my load of kids to their place to bake cookies and allow me a couple of hours to finish up shopping. I made sure this week that I was done my shopping before today so that I could have that time to myself. And what did I do, you ask?

I smashed and burned.

I made a quick trip to the second hand store and carefully selected some items for this adventure. So many times I have wanted to smash and burn things because my anger has been so deep and raw. But I have not had the time to myself or had anything to use. There is one catch with today....

I wasn't feeling angry. Go figure.  My husband even asked me what my plans were and I told him. We had a bit of a laugh together at how silly this seemed since I was actually feeling kind of light-hearted and un-angry. But I did the exercise anyway. I also took pictures.

An empty red container (to minimize the mess) with a rock. This symbolizes rock bottom and the heavy rock I feel in the pit of my stomach.

 

The rim of this plate symbolizes the lies that just went around and around, seemingly never-ending...which left me feeling like my life and mind was constantly going in circles.

 

 

Oh the contradiction and symbolism of this next one! Life can be sweet, but when he chooses to indulge in his addiction...well...

IT'S NUTS!

He chose (chooses?) his indulgences and desires over our family and marriage so many times. And we have been damaged by it. But even when the shell of our life gets cracked, if we get down to the nut (root), that is the good part anyway. (This cup took six throws to actually smash the "indulge" part...how many attempts will it take for my husband to smash his addiction?)

 

 

 

And next comes the forbidden fruit and the thorns of addiction. What could be so sweet and delicious brings sorrow and pain. It looks so appealing but if you are not careful, it will tangle you in its thorns. Who hasn't reached for that big berry deep in the bushes that you just KNOW how good it will taste, and end up getting scratched and tangled and bleeding trying to get there (or get out)? Also, a reminder that we must know the bitter to be able to understand and appreciate the sweet.

 

This next one symbolizes how empty and alone I have felt. How I have been abandoned by him in some of my darkest times, to face death and sorrow alone because he was not capable of extending support and empathy.

But it also symbolizes the ability to become clean - him and me. We can heal. I can heal. My heart can become clean and pure, letting go of this darkness and anger that resides there.

 

The shattered pieces. Even my rock broke.

 

And then I burned...

 

 

 

So although this didn't release the anger that I was thinking it would (doing this while already angry would have been much more effective!), it did help me release some and I learned. I yelled, I cried a bit, and I listened. Things don't always go as planned, and I still had a mess to clean up afterwards. But I am ok. That is what I have learned...I will be ok. I have the ability to clean up messes. I cannot prevent them from happening, and I cannot control when they happen or how big they are. But I have the ability to clean up, find something to smile about (my kids all had a blast baking cookies and were well behaved and happy while I smashed and burned), move forward with my life, and then I can share my experiences with others...finding support, understanding, and possibly even sharing laughs about how smashing dishes doesn't even go as planned sometimes!

 

And at least I didn't set anything else on fire! ;o) Now to eat some of my kids cookies!