I have read this in many places...do not be a victim, don't take on the victim role, it is not healthy to be a victim, etc. But when I sit down with my journal and work these questions, trying to heal from the trauma that has come to my life from the choices of my parents and husband in their addictions, and I ask myself if I feel like a victim, my answer is a great big, fat
HECK YES!
I looked up the definition of victim. I found the following definitions here.
1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident.
2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.
Number 2. Um, hello!
My father was (and sometimes continues to be) emotionally abusive to me my whole life. He taught me by regular reinforcement how to be effectively codependent, and how to fear. He was physically abusive to other family members.
My mother lied, abandoned, withdrew, missed grandchildren's birthdays and ultimately died because of her addiction to alcohol and numbing her feelings. Despite all of that, she was my safe place, and she took that away from me.
My husband...well, he has lied, betrayed, broke covenants, crushed my heart, destroyed my confidence in myself and men (and God), allowed me to doubt my worth and abilities and sanity, and put us in VERY difficult (disastrous) financial situations... all while presenting the image that he is a faithful, strong, generous and service oriented man. Talk about optical illusions!
Yes, I am a victim. Sometimes I am wearing the sandwich board and have a neon light above my head with an arrow pointing to me, flashing "victim"...(you know the signs...the ones that are in the nasty parts of town that say "HOT GIRLS" - oh the irony!).
So I wonder why I am not supposed to feel like a victim? Sure, it isn't healthy to DWELL in victim-hood. Just like it's not a good idea to dwell in CrazyTown. But it doesn't feel right to me to try and deny or avoid feeling like a victim. The sad truth is I am a victim of many tragic things done by others throughout my life (as are too many others). The joyful truth is it does not define ME nor control me (99% of the time). Just as I am not defined by any one of the following: being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, split-end picker, emotional eater, singer, crafter, food burner, bug hater, etc. Yes, at times I may say, "I am Woman, hear me roar!", I can also say, "I am a victim, see me cry."
I hold my head up and am not longer going to feel shame by answering that question #5 in step 1...Do you feel like a victim?
YES I DO. And I'm ok with that.
First, I want to say YES! to everything you wrote. That was my first reaction to it all. I think acknowledging the situation in this way is valid and important.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I kept thinking about this issue, and for me, there is a little more nuance to how I relate to victimhood. Last week I randomly had the thought that rather than be a victim of my emotions, I wanted to be a student of them, and this thought helped me think about the issue of whether being a WOPA makes me a victim. When I think about my husband's actions in the past, yes, I WAS a victim. But as I face the present and future with my eyes and heart open (I have not always chosen to keep them open) to the truth that I have access to, I feel much more empowered. True, my husband and anyone really still has the ability to do something to me that would put me in the victim role. But once that event is passed, I can either choose to remain a victim of that event by staying a slave to the emotions it brings, or, given time, appropriate validation, support and healing, I hope to experience transcendence and transform myself in whatever way I want based on my experiences. I hope this makes sense. I'm not communicating it very clearly, obviously, because I'm still working this out. No matter what, I hope it's clear that I am not trying to minimize the harm done to us by our husbands and how little (to no) choice we have over what they have done and do.
Victory - I fully agree. That is the intent behind my statement that we don't have to dwell in victim-hood. I suppose for me, the term victim has been used my whole life by others meaning it is a weakness if you are a victim. The same with the term martyr. ("Don't be a victim! Be stronger than that!" Or "Don't be such a martyr." - When i think of a martyr, i think of Joseph and Hyrum and the furthest thing in my mind defining their martyrdom is weakness). And when I read that question in the workbook, it triggered a lot of defensiveness in me because I am / we are a victim of the consequences of others choices and I was tired of feeling like there was something wrong with me for being a victim. But like you said, being a slave to the emotions from the trauma is not good. There needs to be a point where we move forward and beyond. But not feeling ashamed that we have been victimized is important too (at least for me).
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments!