I found a new part of CrazyTown

Have you ever lived in the same town for a long time to discover a new area you had never been to? I have lived in my town most of my life and I could drive the streets almost with my eyes closed, but I know there are some places I have never been. I am always amazed when I make these new discoveries.

This happened to me the other night, except the town was CrazyTown. I have (unfortunately) been in and out of CrazyTown many times for many years. But most of the time I go to the same parts of "town". The other night was new to me. I had heard about it from other's experiences. It has a reputation of not being a very great place. I can now add my witness that it is true. I would be happy to never go there again.

It has been a rough few months for me. Some more discoveries, a lot of tears, painful detachment, dwindling hope. Then this week I received an upsetting phone call from our counsellor telling me that our time with him is ending. He also told me he has given my husband all he has to offer over the past several years, and it is now up to husband to decide if he is going to put to use all the tools he's been given. This information hit me really hard. It feels as though we have been in a hot air balloon and have just been told there is no more gas and we have to figure out how to land safely on the remaining fumes. I have felt such despair over this and have been in a very low place for the past few days. All of that is in addition to the painful discovery I found just a couple of weeks ago. I have very little confidence in my husband right now that he will actually do anything with the remaining bit of therapy we have left. He hasn't done much so far (from my perspective...a hot topic with us to say the least). Therapy has felt like my only hope. And it is ending.

The pain is heavier than usual.

Which brings us to the other night...

Feeling very insecure and fearful, I looked up on our gps to see if my husband really was where he said he was going to be (this isn't new to me...it's almost unconscious now how I look it up at times). He almost always is.

That night, he wasn't.

My heart started racing and my mind was ignited. I texted him, "why are you there?" No answer. I sent a few more texts, again with no answer. He almost always answers. Then I phoned. No answer. I was beginning to reel. I was planning on running an errand that evening anyway and was waiting for my kids to finish getting ready for bed. My oldest was going to babysit. When they were ready, I rushed out the door.

The plan was I was just going to run my errand and come back home...possibly bug him with a few more texts. But when I got to the crossroads of go straight for my errand or turn left to go towards where the gps was saying he was, I took a quick look to see if he was still there (and he was), I swerved left.

I have always been a very careful driver. Cautious, rarely speed. I actually had points deducted from my driving test because I was "too cautious". That night...not so much. I felt like I was flying on a rocket, speeding down the highway, checking the gps every 2 minutes to see if he was still there. I had given up control of myself. My mind was flying as fast as my car, thinking about what he might be doing there, with whom, and what I was going to do when I caught him. I even found myself praying out loud "please bless me to catch him in whatever he is doing."

I was getting frantic because I got caught in busy traffic. There is never traffic at 8pm in this part of town, but there was that night. I even found myself considering swerving into on coming traffic to pass the slow people in front of me - I drive a big SUV, but I could picture myself driving over the other cars like I was in a monster truck....Like I said, control/logic GONE.

From flying down the highway, to crawling behind slow evening drivers, to winding through residential areas dangerously fast...I made it to the gps location. With my heart racing and making final plans of what I was going to say when I "caught" him, I pulled over in a place where I could sort of hide the vehicle and watch (sneaky stealth spy!). He was there, with other youth leaders and youth...just like he was supposed to be (except I didn't think they would be there!). I was speechless and deflated. Then they all started coming out to their cars and I had to get out of there fast before being discovered. So I turned around really fast and flew down the street the opposite direction.

Good thing there is more than one way to get home!

And what a drive home that was. I just started crying. I was grateful he wasn't doing anything wrong, but I was so ashamed! What if they had seen me? How would I have explained to the other leaders (and youth!) why I left my kids at home to come and spy on my husband during a youth activity? I spent that drive slamming myself on how ridiculous I was and how I can't believe that I just did that. Where was all my recovery? Where was my strength? Where was my brain? I really can't adequately put into words how I felt about what I had done.

I was drowning in a tsunami of shame. Yet I was so angry that this is even my life...that this is even a possibility that I could have "caught" him doing something terrible. And how I almost made things worse by ME being "caught" out of control spying on him.

This has compounded the funk I've been in. This stinks. Like, make me want to gag, stink.

BUT, I have to learn from this. It is a wasted experience if I don't learn. Sooo...

I have come to realize that the step back I took from recovery work, and blog writing and reading, in what I felt was a needed break because I had become too consumed with it all...it was a bit too much of a break.

I have learned that writing in my blog keeps me more grounded and helps me process. Working my steps keeps me breathing normally (most of the time...we can talk about the step 4 breathing problems I'm having another day!), connecting with others who get it (by reading blogs and reaching out online...since I don't really have anyone in person to connect with) keeps my heart from being completely locked up alone in its cocoon.

I'm sure there are other lessons to be learned from this crazy adventure into the new part of CrazyTown, but the lightbulbs are slow to come on right now. I think I may have used up too much energy powering the rocket I rode on into CrazyTown. Back to step 1 I go.

And once I can get a handle on my shame spiral, I'm sure that I will be able to actually laugh about this experience (and tell my husband about it...one day). Hopefully he will laugh too.

Good grief.