Music so often speaks the words of my heart!
From Adele.... "Hello, how are you?
It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry
I hope that you're well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?"
That town called CrazyTown. So much seems to happen yet nothing really does, unless you can get out....
I'm not out. I fool myself sometimes thinking I've managed to cross outside the town border. But it's all still the same. With a few minor differences to mix things up a bit.
It has been a year and a half since I have written. So much has changed in my life, yet SOOO much is still the same. Stuck. Trapped. Fighting to break free, desperately holding on. My sad realization is that there isn't a lot for me to hold on to anymore. Anywhere.
From Wilson Philips....
" I know this pain
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
Don't ever let anyone step all over you
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?
Some day somebody's gonna make you want to
Turn around and say goodbye
Until then baby are you going to let them
Hold you down and make you cry
Don't you know?
Don't you know things can change
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day"
More major discoveries. Not disclosures - DISCOVERIES. Then lies, more lies and seemingly endless lies. Then pitiful admissions when there is no way to hide from the evidence. Our life has been turned upside down. We lost our business, my husband is not well (in so many ways), and in the process we've had people showing up at our home threatening our family. Our HOME! My life and MY PRECIOUS CHILDREN's lives! I am constantly looking over my shoulder, watching to see if I'm being followed, jumping at the wind, and hyper vigilant in locking the door and not leaving my children alone whenever possible.
My mind and body shut down at one point and I went into shock, with uncontrollable convulsions, disorientation and sensory overload. I am now the provider for our family. And although the timing of finding and getting the job is a gift, it is SOOO hard. I almost lost my job early in my training because I had an emotional breakdown at work. My brain and body are barely functioning, but somehow I am getting through each day. Some days better than others. But I'm holding on.
I've isolated myself from almost everyone. I have left Facebook. Almost a month ago now. That was my biggest connection to others. Part of the reason for leaving was because all of the uproar about the new policies from the Church. I am in a deep faith crisis still and I knew it was not healthy or helpful for me to keep reading it all (either side). Plus I came to wonder if I had been fooling myself, thinking I actually had people in my life and wasn't really alone. Stepping away has opened my eyes to how truly lonely my life is. On one hand, I don't have much to give towards building or maintaining friendships right now, and I don't want to be "that" friend that always burdens people with my woes. And my family relationships are either unhealthy or inconsistent. I also feel a strong need for anonymity in my pain. Part of it is shame, part fear and lack of trust.
But it is LONELY being lonely.
So here I am, again. Needing a place to share yet holding on to whatever anonymity I may have left. Although I know some who read this know my identity.
Hi.
I have started counseling. I'm not sure how that is going yet. It's only been 2 appointments so far. I feel defensive there. Like I have to defend why I am staying in my marriage. She bluntly stated that after all the therapy me and H have done, yet he still hasn't changed and is continuing to make the same choices, he may be a psychopath and I am likely deeply naive. She is hoping to break my naïveté. That scares me. I want to be open to hear hard things, but I also know I am very impressionable right now. I need to be vulnerable, yet firm in what I want for my life.
It also turns out that in order for my bishop to pay for my therapy, particularly since she is not LDS nor "approved" by ldsfs, my bishop sent her paperwork to sign agreeing to disclose personal information to him about my sessions. I don't like it.
Right now, I'm confused. And scared.
All of this has added to or magnified my struggles with the church. I trust no men. I had one I fully trusted (95% = full to me) as a father/leader figure, and when I turned to him for counsel and shared my heart and painful life with him, he showed me so much love and hurt to hear about my pain... And then told me he too considers himself an addict.
SHOCK. SADNESS. DISCOURAGEMENT. HOPE (if HE is an addict and so good...?)
But more alone, feeling there is no escaping this HELL.
I want to, NEED to, get into 12 step again. But I am stuck. I DO NOT trust God. Especially as the "Father" "Male ruler" figure we are taught at church. I am in need of Female Divinity, nurturing, LOVE and direction in my life and that is not acceptable to seek that in our church. Men hurt my heart right now. They are not safe to me. None of them. That includes a Male Father in Heaven. Yet all 12 step requires trust in God and I cannot get there. It has been 3 years since I started 12 step and I have yet to get past step 3.
I have battled to retain what faith and testimony I can. I have spiritual (and some physical) battle wounds. I am tired. So tired. God is either stringing me along or giving me just enough oil so my lamp doesn't completely go dark. It's flickering.
From Great Big World...to God from me...
"And I... am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I... will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you."
I want HIM to say something, yet I know I don't trust what He may say. But I need something.
I need a hug. A great big soul encompassing hug that will continue to hold me for a very long time.
In the meantime, I will hold on. I have learned somehow to fight. I will keep fighting!
From Rachel Platten.... "This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song."
And I'll always keep singing.
