I have spent SOO much time and energy searching for evidence about my husband.
-is he being honest or lying?
-is he looking at inappropriate things? lusting after other women? fantasising about other women? emailing or texting other women? meeting with other women? loving other women? wishing I was other women?
-Does he love me? Want to be with me?
- Is he happy he married me?
-Is he sorry? Is he trying to fix what he broke? Making real efforts to improve himself and our marriage?
I search his words, watch his behavior. I think about and consider what others say about him. I try to sense his spirit to get a better understanding of who he is and what kind of relationship I can have with him. I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad to determine who he was, is today and might be in the future.
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my weaknesses that alter my perception.
I don't trust him. I don't always trust the evidence I do or do not find. I do not trust that he has my best interest as one of his main priorities. Evidence HAS shown me that I DO believe he loves me. It is hard for him to show it sometimes, and may be even more often hard for me to receive and accept it. But I believe it is there and I believe it can grow.
I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just a mirage - that it is real, tangible goodness.
Right now, evidence is helping me believe in him and us and I have spent A LOT of time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand (and what evidence I do not find).
Searching for evidence - about God...
I realized the other day how LITTLE time and effort I give to searching for evidence of God's love for me - yet I have struggled for SO LONG to believe or feel His love. I find myself actually doubting it more than believing. Some of the questions I search for about my husband can apply to my relationship with God too.
-Does HE love me? Does HE want to have a relationship with me? Does HE wish I was someone else? Is HE happy with me? Is HE trying/wanting to fix the broken me? Is HE wanting to improve our relationship?
-Do I search HIS words, watch HIS behavior? Do I think about and consider what others say about HIM?
-Do I try to sense HIS Spirit to get a better understanding of who HE is and what kind of relationship I can have with HIM?
-Do I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad in my life to determine who HE was to me then, who HE is to me today, and who HE might be to me in the future?
Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my many weaknesses that alter my perception.
-Do I trust HIM? Do I trust the evidence I HAVE seen that HE CAN be trusted? Do I want to believe HE can be trusted? Or is that too scary and it's easier for me to tell myself I can't trust HIM so I don't have to push through MY fears and issues?
-Do I believe HE has my best interest as one of HIS main priorities?
"For behold, this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." - Moses 1:39
Evidence HAS shown me HE is aware of me. Is there evidence that HE LOVES ME?
Is it hard for me to see, feel, receive and accept HIS love? Do I believe it is there? Do I believe HE is there for ME?
I believe I CAN GROW. I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just wishful thinking - that HIS LOVE is real, tangible goodness. That the love of God "sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable of all things ....Yea, and the most joyous to the soul." -1Ne 11:22-23. That HIS love can pierce my heart and bring my soul joy.
Right now, even though we are taught evidence comes AFTER the trial of our faith, evidence is helping me believe in HIM and US and I need to spend much more time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand. For me, searching for this evidence IS a test of my faith right now, as my inclination is often to not see it or believe and to give up trying. By actively searching and seeking....search, ponder and pray....I am exercising my faith.
So, instead of searching the computer history or my husband's phone...I will search God's word and look for evidence that HE loves me and is here for me...no matter what may be on that internet/email history. I will give more time and energy to seeking evidence of God and HIS involvement in my life.
Because after all...searching for God will prevent me from getting a vacation home in CrazyTown...and that is a good thing!
