truth, confusion and cooking

Well, I have found some truth. My feelings over the past few months that something is not right... my feelings were right. After a very LONG night of discussion, much more disclosure has been brought to light. All these feelings, all these times saying "I just feel that something isn't right", doing my searching and monitoring came up with nothing. But I couldn't shake the feeling.

God is a God of TRUTH. He will bring the truth forward in His time. I received truth last night (and a bit more this morning). I am grateful I worship a God of truth.

Yet there still lingers this confusion about the label of addiction. I have gone back and forth several times (via email) with my counsellor about my husband and whether he believes my husband has an actual addiction. MY TRUTH....I believe he does. No, it is not as severe/deep rooted as others. But there is no question that my husband cannot stop his behavior on his own. Even if it comes up every few months, and is not a driving force of his daily thoughts. When it does come up, he cannot always resist. Sometimes he can. My counsellor claims my husband is dancing on the line of addiction versus chronic behaviors that lead to addiction. My husband feels that the title doesn't really matter right now because it doesn't change the fact that he needs help to overcome WHATEVER THIS IS HE KEEPS DOING.

I am a word person. Proper use of words are important to me. Improper use of words BUG ME. Especially when they change the meaning of something very important. But perhaps that is a hang-up I need to let go of? perhaps I need to focus more on the HOW for recovery and change instead of the definition.

I hate cooking. I detest, loathe, abhor, dislike with a passion cooking. But for some reason my brain is creating a parallel here. If I focus on the WORD, does it really change what needs to be done? I could not tell you the difference between sauté and fry. But does that really matter? If I know that I need to heat up a pan, put the food in, leave it there for a few minutes, flip it and leave it there for a few more minutes (depending on what is being cooked)...the finished product should be fairly similar, no? Maybe some things need to be pushed around the pan a bit, some things need a different amount of time in the pan. But the word used perhaps isn't as important as the steps required to take you to your end goal. I'm sure that a professional chef may completely disagree that it DOES matter the difference between sauté and fry. But for my purposes right now, to get to the goal of a nicely cooked meal (lets not even get into talking about seasoning!) that will not leave you with food poisoning from undercooked meat...or to end the behaviors...perhaps the word doesn't really matter. Get the basics covered and then you can expand into polishing.

Addiction or addictive behaviors...the end goal is to STOP. To HEAL. If my husband (or myself) is willing to really work a 12 step program, receive counselling and dig deep in his/my soul to find healing and to stop the destructive behavior, isn't that what matters? If we are clearly aware that there is a problem that cannot be overcome on our own, and are willing to work to overcome it, isn't that what matters? Then, once the main demon is tamed/destroyed, we can work on polishing the rest of our self.

I think too, part of my struggle with this word is the impact (unexpected) it had on me to no longer feel like I "fit" anywhere. Feeling like a misfit in the world of addiction and certainly not fitting in a "normal" marriage. That is a deeper issue (polishing?) that I need to address. Coming to really believe that I am meant to be clay and molded as the Master Potter would have me, instead of squished into a cookie cutter (really, does ANYONE fit the cookie cutter? I think that may be one of my false beliefs).

And maybe I am completely off base and wrong. BUT, I do know that my God of TRUTH will help me figure this out. In the mean time, we will keep working on cooking that food so we don't get food poisoning, and one day get to enjoy seasoning techniques. (well, except for the fact that my husband is a GREAT cook and very talented with seasoning and various other culinary techniques...but that's beside the point).