Searching for Evidence

I have spent SOO much time and energy searching for evidence about my husband.
          -is he being honest or lying?
          -is he looking at inappropriate things? lusting after other women? fantasising about other women? emailing or texting other women? meeting with other women? loving other women? wishing I was other women?
          -Does he love me? Want to be with me?
          - Is he happy he married me?
          -Is he sorry? Is he trying to fix what he broke? Making real efforts to improve himself and our marriage?

I search his words, watch his behavior. I think about and consider what others say about him. I try to sense his spirit to get a better understanding of who he is and what kind of relationship I can have with him. I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad to determine who he was, is today and might be in the future.

Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my weaknesses that alter my perception.

I don't trust him. I don't always trust the evidence I do or do not find. I do not trust that he has my best interest as one of his main priorities. Evidence HAS shown me that I DO believe he loves me. It is hard for him to show it sometimes, and may be even more often hard for me to receive and accept it. But I believe it is there and I believe it can grow.

I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just a mirage - that it is real, tangible goodness.

Right now, evidence is helping me believe in him and us and I have spent A LOT of time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand (and what evidence I do not find).

Searching for evidence - about God...

I realized the other day how LITTLE time and effort I give to searching for evidence of God's love for me - yet I have struggled for SO LONG to believe or feel His love. I find myself actually doubting it more than believing. Some of the questions I search for about my husband can apply to my relationship with God too.

          -Does HE love me? Does HE want to have a relationship with me? Does HE wish I was someone else? Is HE happy with me? Is HE trying/wanting to fix the broken me? Is HE wanting to improve our relationship?

         -Do I search HIS words, watch HIS behavior? Do I think about and consider what others say about HIM?

          -Do I try to sense HIS Spirit to get a better understanding of who HE is and what kind of relationship I can have with HIM?

          -Do I look at the past and try to analyse the good and bad in my life to determine who HE was to me then, who HE is to me today, and who HE might be to me in the future?

Sometimes the scale I use is a little bit unbalanced - either by what I want to see/believe, or by any other of my many weaknesses that alter my perception.

          -Do I trust HIM? Do I trust the evidence I HAVE seen that HE CAN be trusted? Do I want to believe HE can be trusted? Or is that too scary and it's easier for me to tell myself I can't trust HIM so I don't have to push through MY fears and issues?
          -Do I believe HE has my best interest as one of HIS main priorities?
          "For behold, this is my work and my glory- to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." - Moses 1:39

Evidence HAS shown me HE is aware of me. Is there evidence that HE LOVES ME?

Is it hard for me to see, feel, receive and accept HIS love? Do I believe it is there? Do I believe HE is there for ME?

I believe I CAN GROW. I have hope. Hope that the good evidence I find or see is not just wishful thinking - that HIS LOVE is real, tangible goodness. That the love of God "sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore it is the most desirable of all things ....Yea, and the most joyous to the soul." -1Ne 11:22-23. That HIS love can pierce my heart and bring my soul joy.

Right now, even though we are taught evidence comes AFTER the trial of our faith, evidence is helping me believe in HIM and US and I need to spend much more time searching and pondering on the evidence at hand. For me, searching for this evidence IS a test of my faith right now, as my inclination is often to not see it or believe and to give up trying. By actively searching and seeking....search, ponder and pray....I am exercising my faith.

So, instead of searching the computer history or my husband's phone...I will search God's word and look for evidence that HE loves me and is here for me...no matter what may be on that internet/email history. I will give more time and energy to seeking evidence of God and HIS involvement in my life.

Because after all...searching for God will prevent me from getting a vacation home in CrazyTown...and that is a good thing!

Victim status

While working the Healing Through Christ program, step one asks "Do I feel I am a victim as a result of my loved ones' addiction?" I may be misinterpreting this question, but it seems as though being a victim is not a good thing.

I have read this in many places...do not be a victim, don't take on the victim role, it is not healthy to be a victim, etc. But when I sit down with my journal and work these questions, trying to heal from the trauma that has come to my life from the choices of my parents and husband in their addictions, and I ask myself if I feel like a victim, my answer is a great big, fat

HECK YES!

I looked up the definition of victim. I found the following definitions here.

1. a person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency: a victim of an automobile accident. 

2. a person who is deceived or cheated, as by his or her own emotions or ignorance, by the dishonesty of others, or by some impersonal agency: a victim of misplaced confidence; the victim of a swindler; a victim of an optical illusion.

 

Number 2. Um, hello!

 

My father was (and sometimes continues to be) emotionally abusive to me my whole life. He taught me by regular reinforcement how to be effectively codependent, and how to fear. He was physically abusive to other family members.

 

My mother lied, abandoned, withdrew, missed grandchildren's birthdays and ultimately died because of her addiction to alcohol and numbing her feelings. Despite all of that, she was my safe place, and she took that away from me.

 

My husband...well, he has lied, betrayed, broke covenants, crushed my heart, destroyed my confidence in myself and men (and God), allowed me to doubt my worth and abilities and sanity, and put us in VERY difficult (disastrous) financial situations... all while presenting the image that he is a faithful, strong, generous and service oriented man. Talk about optical illusions!

 

Yes, I am a victim. Sometimes I am wearing the sandwich board and have a neon light above my head with an arrow pointing to me, flashing "victim"...(you know the signs...the ones that are in the nasty parts of town that say "HOT GIRLS" - oh the irony!). 

 

 

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So I wonder why I am not supposed to feel like a victim? Sure, it isn't healthy to DWELL in victim-hood. Just like it's not a good idea to dwell in CrazyTown. But it doesn't feel right to me to try and deny or avoid feeling like a victim. The sad truth is I am a victim of many tragic things done by others throughout my life (as are too many others). The joyful truth is it does not define ME nor control me (99% of the time). Just as I am not defined by any one of the following: being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, split-end picker, emotional eater, singer, crafter, food burner, bug hater, etc. Yes, at times I may say, "I am Woman, hear me roar!", I can also say, "I am a victim, see me cry."

 

I hold my head up and am not longer going to feel shame by answering that question #5 in step 1...Do you feel like a victim?

 

YES I DO. And I'm ok with that.

Welcome to CrazyTown!

In that unique half awake/half asleep state just before drifting off to sleep, my brain finds some of its most active adventures. Last night was no different. As I was laying there I listened to an enthusiastic voice, with a real Western/Country twang announcing the following:

"Welcome to CrazyTown! There is no place like it. We have many unique features about our town. You may not even realize you are here. You may think you are still firmly planted in your real life. But that is one of the special secrets we have...Did you notice that scent in the air? Be really still for a moment and you may smell it...that is what we call paranoia perfume. We let it trickle into the air throughout town. Sometimes the wind is blowing just right and you can definitely smell it. Other times it is almost impossible to detect. Occasionally it pools in certain areas of town and you may get the impression you are being smothered by it. Some people are even learning to store it up and sell it to others. They sometimes label it as "cautiousness" or "gathering information" or "protection". But an experienced observer can detect it for what it truly is. It is a very powerful potion. Some people have even become hooked on it and seek it out. But that's one of the unique things about CrazyTown!

"Another special feature of our town is that what you actually see has no relevance to what is considered real. For example, you may be told something by another person and not believe what they say. That may be due to the paranoia potion, or just because you are in CrazyTown. You may make valiant efforts to search out, check up on and question what they have said (to their knowledge or without them knowing) and even though you see nothing to prove they are not being honest...you still won't believe them. Or, if you see someone doing something yet they claim "it wasn't me", you believe the words and not what your eyes have shown you. Does that make sense? Of course not! It's CrazyTown!

"CrazyTown is also like an amusement park for your emotions. You can be feeling just fine one moment and then pass a stranger on the sidewalk and all of a sudden you are filled with very powerful emotions like anger, hatred and fear. You may end up in tears and have no idea why. Just because someone walked by! The same thing can happen with entertainment on tv or movies, advertising posters or something you hear someone say. Now, some may try to tell you that this is not normal...but in CrazyTown, THERE IS NO NORMAL! We like to think of it as exercise for our emotions.

"Possibly one of the most unique aspects of our town is the fact that once you enter in, it is hard to see how you even got here. And, the longer you spend here, the harder it is to find your way out. You may think you know the way, but you may soon find that your efforts to leave just land you in one of our swirling, mirage-like round-abouts. See, people in CrazyTown are never quite sure if they want to leave, so we make sure that only those who REALLY want out can get out. We don't want someone to find themselves outside the town borders by accident.

"Occasionally, someone that is determined to get out decides they are going to take others with them. We have seen people almost dragged out of our town, determined they need to stay. But, to our disappointment, once they get out of town and the paranoia potion has worn off, many decide they never want to come back. But don't let that dissuade you. CrazyTown is great! We have many residents who have been here for years! And we are always happy to welcome new friends!

"We're glad you're here and hope you decide to stay in CrazyTown!"

*disclaimer (said very quickly in an almost mumbled voice) - Residents and visitors of CrazyTown may experience symptoms including, but not limited to, sleepless nights, physical ailments such as headache, nausea, stomach upset, aching body, sweats and raised heart rate. We are not responsible for any negative perceptions of these reactions.


I have been living in CrazyTown. I have debated on whether I was actually there and whether I want to leave. Is it safe to leave? What if it isn't actually CrazyTown? I have reeked of paranoia perfume. I am sure many times my husband thinks I stink!

But I am choosing to leave. I am not totally out yet, but I am making my way towards the exit and trying not to look back. If Lot's wife turned to salt as she looked back when left her wicked town, I'm not sure I want to look back either.

One step in front of another. One less time checking emails/internet history. One less time tracking my husband on the gps on his cell phone. One less time peppering him with 20 questions. One less time reliving the lies and uglies of the past. One more time reminding myself I am strong and not alone. One more time keeping my focus fixed on the True Path.

One step at a time.

So long CrazyTown! You really know how to show a girl a crazy time!

Steel cocoon?

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For a long time I felt pity for caterpillars. They're creepy crawly things that can wreak havoc on plants and gardens, they spill their guts when they get squished (not their fault, but still ICK!), their progress is painfully slow (not that I prefer FAST moving creepy crawlers) and that leaves them SO VULNERABLE to predators (other animals or curious children), and they are so limited in their perspective of their world (again, not their fault). They inch their furry fat little bodies over the sticks and branches and bumps of trees. It's not a smooth journey, likely not very comfortable at all.

Sometimes I have even felt like a caterpillar. I spill my guts when I'm hurt (say "verbal diarrhea"), I feel like my progress to become a better ME and also my progress of healing is SO SLOW, I feel so vulnerable to the pain that can be caused by others and my perspective is often so limited. All I can see sometimes is the big bump in front of me or I don't even see what is ahead, I just feel all the scrapes and bruises from my inching along journey. (And I can wreak havoc in my garden and with plants, despite my best efforts. But that's a totally different topic!)

At one point the pain that I felt from the destruction and losses addiction has brought into my life (my husband's and parents') seemed more than I could handle. I felt like locking my heart up in a steel box and not letting anyone have access to it. I wanted to retreat, escape from this big bad world. In the words of the popular show The Vampire Diaries, I wanted to "turn off my humanity"...stop feeling.

But that would be as impossible for me as it would to never blink again. I am a feeler. I feel everything. Once as a child there was an icky flying bug in my room. I screamed and my dad came running in to see what was wrong. When I showed him the source of my terrifying scream, he promptly killed the bug and went to leave my room. He was stopped by my heart wrenching sobs of "you shouldn't have killed it! It might have had a family!" (I have since gotten over my concern for killing bugs).

I feel and I feel deeply.

Which brings me back to the problem of my feeling tired of constant pain and wanting it to stop.

As I pondered on the thought of a steel box to safely (but unrealistically) store and protect my heart, the image of a cocoon came to mind. A safe, quiet place caterpillars create for themselves where they are transformed as individuals and so is their future life.

Butterflies are beautiful, delicate and gentle. They can be colourful or blend in. They are wise, knowing where to find nourishment. They can be independent but also migrate with others. And they are free! Free to fly where and how they want. Their view of the world is magnificent. Yes, they are still vulnerable to predators, but they are a lot harder of a target and they don't allow the possibility of hurt or destruction to limit them and prevent them from soaring.

I would like to be like a butterfly. But in order to transform myself and my life I need to allow myself the quiet time to be safe in my cocoon, to find some refuge and healing. The thing is, regular cocoons are fragile. I want my cocoon to be made of reinforced, stainless steel. The reinforcements come from support around me, working my 12 step healing program, and most of all the Atonement of Christ. The stainless part comes from Him too. I can make a mess, let out a bunch of gunk. But it won't stain and leave a permanent mark because the cleansing power of the Atonement washes it all clean.

And thus is created my reinforced, stainless steel cocoon for my transformation. Where I can safely FEEL and HEAL, and transform to a life of freedom, soaring and enjoying the beautiful vistas of this world.

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